Beta #2 results

hcg is 397
progesterone is 19.2

oh my god, it just got a little bit more real.

We told the moms (R's mom and my mom) on Tuesday that we got a positve test. I told my best friend. I tried to call my dad, but haven't gotten hold of him yet.

Now I don't plan to tell a lot of people until much much much later, but everyone knows that there's a secondary circle of people who know every aspect of your life. These are the people that your friends and relatives spill their guts to. I swore all 3 people we told to secrecy until today, just in case the number didn't go up. So I told my mom today that she could tell her cousin, but not the whole family. I'm sure it will leak out though. I'll let R's mom tell his brother and his wife. And I really need to get a hold of my dad.

It's real…isn't it?

You know, it seems very very silly, but I'm not sure it will seem real until I pee on a stick. For the last couple months I've relied on blood tests because I know I tend to obsess on very very faint lines on pee sticks. I need to see that double line now. R thinks I'm silly, but I don't care. I'm buying something to pee on tonight. Just to make it real.

Beta

I went in for a second beta test this morning. I don't have those results yet, but I did find out the numbers from Tuesday's test: 135 at 14 dpIUI.

Progesterone was at 19. They want progesterone to be at 20, so they doubled the dose of progesterone suppositories.

Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin', and prayin', Planning and dreamin' each night

I keep thinking of the soundtrack from My Best Friend's Wedding. The "Wishin' and Hopin'" song seems so fitting. And if that's not enough, well "Say a Little Prayer for Me", ok?

I'm trying not to worry. I'm trying to think positive happy healthy baby thoughts. Visualizing the baby snuggling in, nice and cozy and happy.

But those dang "what ifs" are so persistent. I'll find out tomorrow if everything is going well.

My caffeine reduction is going well. I've had a lot of caffeine-free days. But I did have a cup of jasmine tea today, I was getting a headache and it just sounded so good… very very light brew though, so hopefully not too much caffeine.

Do I need to start worrying about what I eat yet? I don't think I do. I did have lunch meat today, but it was a hot sandwich and the meat got nuked, so I think even if I should be watching what I eat, that that was ok.

Can you tell that my mind is jumping all over the place? sorry about that.

+

oh my god. it's positive.

why do i feel just as nervous and scared as before?

another bloodtest on friday.

please please please god let everything be ok.

the day before testing

Tomorrow morning I go for my blood test. Should I buy a home test kit tonight and get a sneak preview at the answer? I don't think I will - if I was going to do it, this weekend would have been the time to do it. But to take the home test and then go have blood drawn and then have to go to work? Mmmm... no... doesn't sound like a good idea.

I've been pretty calm during this 2ww. Some deep breathing and working very hard at ignoring the "what ifs..." has been working. Although I did let some what ifs overwhelm me last night. I know it has to freak R out. I mean we're just sitting there on the couch reading, and I start getting teary. He asks if my book is sad. I shake my head no because I can't answer outloud. So he holds me while I sniffle on his shirt for a little while. And then I'm ok again. It was just a wave of worry that washed over me - what if it never happens? can I accept that? should we move on to adoption now? is that right for us? what should we do next? should we really take next month off from ttc? but if I do, will the timing work out with our thanksgiving trip?

1 week wait remaining

I've been looking at other infertile's blogs for the past few months. When I read about someone's success, sometimes it gives me hope and sometimes it just makes me angry that it's not me. And when I read about other's failures, sometimes I think 'at least I'm not the only one' and sometimes it makes me cry for them. Yesterday was a crying day because every blog I looked at had just lost a baby.

I rarely post comments on others blogs, but I do read several. I haven't figured out how to make the list of "Blog I read" that everyone seems to have. Maybe it would be nice to have online friends, but sometimes I enjoy my anonymity. It's like screaming into the darkness even though no one will hear you. I don't mean that to be as bleak as it may sound, it's just screaming to release the pressure without worrying what the neighbors think.

Not much to report. One more week until testing. The last two days I have had some weird pains. Not quite cramps, more to the side. Brief enough that they're gone before I can think to take aspirin, but long enough that I put my hand on the area and hold it for a moment. That was days 5 and 6dpIUI. I'm making a conscious decision to not read anything into this.

Waiting it out...

Well I'm fully recovered now. I had a lot of cramping and discomfort. Not really sure if it was even related to the procedure though (*WARNING* TMI follows, skip to next paragraph to avoid descriptions of bodily functions!) or if it was just cramping from gas and constipation. But then that's not something that normally afflicts me, so I don't know if I was constipated from the drugs or something, or simply from changes in my diet due to stress. (Like eating too much ice cream at night and egg sandwiches for breakfast and dinner.)

Anyway, I feel much better now. I'm in a bit of a lull right now. Not yet stressed about the results, I feel calm. But in a way I also feel a bit helpless. I mean, this part is all about luck isn't it? I've done what I can, my bet has been placed and the roulette wheel is in motion.

I read a book on infertility last night, Julia Indichova's Inconceivable. It was a quick read, and pretty interesting. Now her situation and mine aren't that similar. She had a known reason why she was having difficulty (older, high FSH) and she took steps to correct that problem - albeit non-traditional steps. She changed her diet, drank wheatgrass, tried Chinese herbs and acupuncture and a few other things besides. More importantly I think, was that she was taking control of her treatment and not just following what the doctor's said blindly. I do see the logic in improving your diet and trying to make your body as healthy as possible.

To that end, here are my resolutions: to go to yoga at least twice per week (something I'd already started doing a little bit); to reduce caffeine and eventually cut it completely (I have  serious addiction, but I'm down to 2 caffeinated drinks per day); and to improve my diet by adding more fruits and vegetables.

IUI #2 - part 2

Well, IUI #2 is officially complete now.

When I went in this morning, the nurse from hell said to come back at 10:45 and that it would be a different doctor today. What?? You want to run that by me again? I need to spend an extra 45 minutes hanging out in starbucks and then some man I've never even met before is going to be staring at my hoochie? Hello? Some warning would be nice!

Anyway, it went fine. Of course since it's a male doctor the nurse from hell stays in the room with us, which is annoying (yes, I understand WHY the nurse should stay, but since I hate her it's annoying). R provided me with 22 million swimmers post-wash, which is a fantastic number (thanks sweetie!), so there's no reason this shouldn't work.

So now I feel bloated and crampy and generally like crap. And I'm at work. Yea.

So we're supposed to try to do it tonight for any extra swimmers we might be able to get and start progesterone on Friday. Now I've just got to remember to swing by the pharmacy tomorrow after work and we'll settle in for the 2ww.

Forgot to add that we had 28 million swimmers post-wash this morning :)

IUI #2 - part 1

Sept 11 2006

Well, sorry I haven't posted in a bit.

Friday I went back in for another appointment. Everything looked good. There were 5 or 6 follicles that should be mature together. But when the bloodwork came back, my body was trying to ovulate on its own! (All those months you don't ovulate and you choose NOW to try to do your job?? Damn body.)

So back to the office for a nice shot in the belly to stop that ovulation nonsense. (Which means that I got stuck with a needle three times in one day - blood draw, shot in belly, repronex in the butt - which really really really doesn't seem fair does it)

Oh, also on Friday morning, Dr. Desplinter introduced the idea of selective reduction. Of course there were plenty of follicles last time and nothing happened. No guarantees that anything will happen this time, let alone have 6 somethings happen, but she had to bring it up. Apparently selective reduction is available for anything over 2 babies. That was kind of shocking. I can't imagine choosing that over triplets and I told her so straight away. It's not something I'm comfortable with and I think the only way I could consider it is if trying to keep them all would risk killing all or some of them. But hopefully it's a decision we'll never have to make.

And an appointment was set up for Saturday morning. Everything looked good, but the bloodwork showed I was still trying to ovulate. So another shot in the belly that evening and then upped the Repronex dose to 4 vials (holy crap, a $200 shot) And then triggered at 11pm Sunday night.

So the first IUI of "IUI #2" was this morning. We decided that R should go to work rather than miss 2 half days of work going with me. A bummer, but I'd rather have him at an ultrasound to see his babies (assuming a positive outcome, see I am capable of postive thinking!!) than to just sit with me while his swimmers are shot up me.

The procedure wasn't bad. Some slight cramping, but that's it.

Cycle 28, Day 7

I had my doctor's appointment this morning. She said that my uber-headache may have been caused due to estrogen levels rising too quickly. The headache is down to a dull roar, lurking in the back of my skull and waiting to pounce, but no longer gnawing on my eyeball.

I have multiple follicles, things seem to be going well. I don't know the sizes of these (she rattled them off, but I wasn't alert enough this morning to catch them and remember the numbers). Seems like there was one larger one (14mm maybe?) and a bunch in the 10-12 range. Plus "a bunch of smaller ones" she said, though she didn't measure and I didn't really see a "bunch" on the screen that she hadn't measured, but whatever.

I bet we'll be doing the IUIs over the weekend again.

Things are quiet in the office today.

ill

First off, this is a little off-topic, but I have to get it off my chest. People who bring fish for lunch and reheat it in the microwave should be shot. How disgusting can you get? I should point out that I don't like fish to begin with. I dislike the smell of it and am dismayed whenever a meal-companion orders fish because I know it will smell. And it always does. But reheated fish smells a hundred times worse. And should NOT be allowed in offices where I can't escape the nasty scent.

Now, for the real post….

I had my doctor's appointment on Friday. She said that there's no benefit to doing cycles back-to-back, but no reason not to either. She supported the idea of taking a break if that would be best for me emotionally. But honestly, I didn't relax during our 1 month break and I don’t think I would now either. I would see it as a waste of time. So we proceeded. She did an internal ultrasound and there were some small follicles still hanging out, but since my estradiol level was down at my last blood test, she gave me the go-ahead. She said that everything looked good last time, but she wanted to try me at a slightly higher dose. So I'm taking 3 vials/shot this time. Because of the holiday and because I needed to start on Saturday, the doctor's office dispensed the drugs, so we're paying full price this time. I hope it works.

My next appointment is tomorrow (Wednesday).

I should mention that I feel like crap. Not like I did last time when I felt like I was getting t he flu. I don't feel run-down this time. And the shots don't ache as much. But last night, after our Labor Day shish-kabob extravaganza, I woke up feeling ill. I had a headache so severe it woke me up. I also felt nauseated. I went to the bathroom, took some tylenol and hung my head over the garbage pail for a while. Didn't think I was going to be sick so I turned down the AC (can't go to sleep hot, and I was feeling very hot), and went back to bed. Laid there maybe 15 minutes before I thought I was going to yak. So I went back to the bathroom to hang out there for a while longer.  Nothing. Got back to sleep around 2am. Now this morning I feel like crap. The question is, why do I feel like crap? Is it a)because I'm exhausted?; b)because I ate a bad kabob?; c)because taking triple shots of Repronex is making me sick?; or d)some combination of the above? No matter what the answer, I can tell you this for certain: The nasty fish smell is NOT helping! And neither is all the tylenol I'm taking.

Anyway, no yoga tonight for me, I'm going home to bed as soon as I can escape from here.