still upset, griping about money, emotional guilt, and I hate my nurse

Ok, so I’m still not in a very good mood spirit place right now. But it’s getting better. Slowly. I got a little teary once or twice this morning before I got in to work, but no crying eyes at work today (unlike yesterday). I left work early yesterday and went to a yoga class. I think it helped some. I’m thinking about taking Friday off to see if I can de-stress some more.

I don’t know why I take this so badly. (Do I take it worse than others? Does everyone weep for days over every failed cycle? Does everyone going through this feel like they’re dying a slow death as each month goes by?) As I finished sobbing last night I realized that I may very well be near the end of the road – which set-off a second round of sobbing. I can’t keep doing this forever.

I read other blogs, and I see success stories that detail the experiences of 7 IUIs and 3 IVFs – and I’m happy for them, but that’s just not feasible for us. Our insurance doesn’t cover any of this. Nothing. From clomid onwards, it’s all been on our own dime. (there was one exception, they did pay for about half of the HSG test and I am grateful for that even though I’m not sure why they paid that).

Now we have decent jobs, but we don’t make 6 figures even when you combine our salaries. So without insurance, we have to limit our attempts. And it doesn’t seem right that finances are the limiting factor. But that’s the way it is. (OK, yes, even with unlimited funds or amazing insurance, there would be a limit because my emotional well-being isn’t good enough to go through this 10 times, but it still sucks.)

And while we’re on the subject, the grand total is up to $4119. Wow, that’s depressing. The total just for IUI#1 was $2439.

Back to the “I can’t keep doing this forever” topic… I feel guilty that I keep crying on Rob. I know, I know, who else would I cry on? It’s his job to support me “for better or worse”. And he’s good at it, he really is. But how often can you hold someone as they cry and not start to resent being an emotional sponge? And I know he says that he’s disappointed too, but I’m not really sure he understands (or I wonder how he can understand because I don’t always understand my strong emotional reactions to these setbacks). I don’t think this is causing a strain in our marriage yet, but I worry that it might. You don’t have to search very long to find stories of marriages being torn apart by the stresses of infertility. But we have discussed it and we think we’re doing fine so far… but it is a worry (Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m a worrier. I know, I know, I shouldn’t borrow trouble…)

To top it off, I’m pissed as hell at my doctor’s office. At the nurse really. She can’t draw blood for crap. She can’t remember important things (like don’t call me at work to give me the beta test results). She shows no compassion. And she doesn’t do what she says she’ll do (I’ll make sure the doctor calls you on Wednesday and we’ll set up your next appointment then… yeah right, the office closed early, no phone call, not even to set up an appointment)! Grrrrr. Like I’m not already in a pissy and emotionally unbalanced mood?? Hello???