The Fertility Carousel

Reaching for the brass ring on the fertility carousel (again!). (Because I already caught the brass ring on the infertility carousel and I want to get rid of it!) Two years of trying to conceive, but I finally got baby E. Now we begin going around and around again. Infertility sucks.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

emotional cycles

Have you seen the "depression hurts" commercials? They talk about how depression is physically debilitating. I don't have depression at that level, but I believe the commercial. I can feel depression wash over me at the strangest times. Driving home alone, not listening to the radio or other distractions, it's like a wave washes over me. The sensation almost tingles like déjà vu, but it's more subtle. At that moment I know I'm about to cry.

I'm not this emotionally unstable all the time. But a small wave can strike at any time. Depending on where I am hormonally, I might be able to control it or I might not. The difference of a few days can mean the difference between a slight tearing-up or a full-out cry-my-eyes-out bawl.

At the start of a cycle, I'm depressed. And why not? I have failed - my body has failed me - again. Yes, logically I know that I have done everything in my power to get pregnant, but that doesn't matter when you're dealing with the tangible evidence of failure.

On Day 5 I start taking Clomid. It's a wonder drug that makes me ovulate, true, but it does a number on my hormones and makes me extremely sensitive. By sensitive I mean ready to cry at the least provocation. I'm still slightly depressed (but coming out of it), and I continue to cry most days.

Mid-cycle is a moderately happy time. There's tons of hope that this month everything will work. It's not a totally happy time because I'm busy peeing on OPK sticks and trying to decide when we should have sex. And sex on demand is not fun. Not after two years.

Which brings us to the two week wait (2ww). Nothing to do at this point, it either took or it didn't. (Ok, that's not entirely true now because I have progesterone to take, but it's not much to do either). I try so hard not to get my hopes up, because I know how much that hurts when they crash back down. I try to hold on to the neutral thinking. I am less likely to cry during these two weeks than at any other point in my cycle. I feel extremely emotionally stable. (Which is why that Dr. Who crying explosion was so suprising). We talk about baby names. I day dream about babies. I have trouble concentrating on other tasks. The closer we get to the end of the cycle, the more antsy I get. The more nervous. Deep calming breaths. This is when I start wondering about every pain, every twinge. Is it something good? Something bad? Or nothing at all?

I am always thankful when the end of a cycle comes on a weekend. It gives me time to get myself together and get back to neutral thinking.


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