The Fertility Carousel

4th of July

2008-07-07T10:19:00.003-05:00

Hope everyone had a happy 4th! Ours was pretty low-key, we had some friends over for hot dogs Friday afternoon, but that was about it. We made no attempt to watch fireworks because I wasn't willing to keep E up that late.

Thursday night I had a brainstorm... since it's a 3 day weekend, why not try to do some night weaning and/or get E to sleep in her crib more? Oy. R agreed to try. E woke up around midnight and I went to get her. The idea was to comfort her but not nurse her. She screamed and cried and then quieted down and I thought, hey this isn't so bad. Then she started screaming again. Repeat the cycle 3-4 times. At this point R took E, but as he's picking her up she's grabbing at me like she's drowning and I'm a liferaft. And then I started crying/sobbing/bawling.

I took her back and nursed her.

Total elapsed time: 15 minutes.

I don't think E or I am ready to wean. Or maybe night just isn't the place to start.

I did make a point of having R put E down as much as possible. That usually goes well. He thinks it doesn't go well a lot of the times, but he can usually get her down in a half hour which is good in my book. Especially since there's no screaming involved. Sometimes there's crying, but often it's just fussing or not wanting to sleep. He does a good job.

I think that it'll take a bit longer than "a month or so" to get back to the RE. Unless I plan on trying while nursing. And it may come to that, but not yet.

After Thursday night's fiasco, I'm ok with waiting even if it's another year. And maybe I'm ok with only having E. She'll never be an only, she does have A, her 13yo half-brother... but of course with an age-gap like that (and the fact that he doesn't live with us), she'll be an only in many ways. But maybe that's ok.

Time to re-open the carousel?

2008-07-02T21:14:00.002-05:00

Hello again. It's been a while.

E is now 13mo old. Not walking yet, crawling all over the place, and saying new words every day. Seriously, she knows a lot of words. The latest one is sock. Ok, sure, it sounds more like "sahh" but she only says it as she's holding or grabbing at a sock, so I think the meaning is clear.

I always thought that we'd start trying for number 2 once E turned 1. We put money in our flex account for it... but that's as far as I prepared for it. "Prepare?" you ask. Well yes, mental and emotional preparation. Can I handle 2? Will I be destroying E's happy little world by introducing another child? And the big question... do I have to wean her.

Yes, you heard me, wean her. Despite the dismal statistics on nursing in this country, I am nursing my 13mo old. Nursing to sleep at night and for naps and any other time she wants it. And we co-sleep most of the night, so she nurses at night too. Not really sure how many times a night as I'm asleep through most of it. (Although last night she stayed in her crib until 4:30am! So that may be on the way out.)

Anyway, we went to the RE for a consult today. My old RE left the practice and the infertility field, which was very disappointing as I loved her. The main doctor in the practice, who we saw today, is Dr. G. It just seemed like a much bigger practice now - whereas before, Dr. D did all our ultrasounds herself, I don't think this would be the case anymore. I told Dr. G that I was still nursing. He said to let him know when she was weaned and then we could start. Said that prolactin hormone lowers the chances for implantation, so why go through all this when you're still nursing? Didn't seem to be any room for flexibility, but I didn't press the issue. Maybe I should have.

I've done some more research online... I don't see anything to say that it would be harmful for E or #2. But it would be pretty much impossible to know if the nursing interfered if the IUI didn't work. And it's a lot of money. So can I justify spending the money and doing something that might sabotage it? On the other hand, can I take away something that gives my child so much comfort for a "maybe baby"?

I don't know.

Closing the Carousel

2007-06-19T10:03:00.000-05:00

Since my infertility journey is now over, at least for now, the fertility carousel is now closed. We do hope for another child... perhaps my body will "work" now that its carried a baby... if not, the carousel may open again next summer.

Life continues at the Krauss House.

More on our hospital stay

2007-06-19T09:42:00.000-05:00

Eloise had jaundice, which is why we had to stay a bit longer in the hospital. She was on a phototherapy bed, which has a glowing blue light that the baby lays on. It made her look like a little glow worm. The pediatrician said (on Thursday? Friday? my days have gotten confused)that she just needed to eat as much as possible and stay on the light as long as possible and then we'd probably be able to go home on time. She said that if Eloise's biluribin levels didn't improve that we'd need to start supplementing her with formula, but that we didn't have to do that right away. Well, formula seemed like a better option than keeping her in the hospital longer, so we had the nursery give her some formula - one or two bottles a night. Unfortunately, even that wasn't enough to make her improve faster, so it looked like E would have to stay in the hospital until Sunday while I would be discharged on Saturday! Luckily, my doctor changed my discharge to let me stay with her. Her jaundice still wasn't as good as the doctor wanted it to be on Sunday, but she did let us go home and just had us take Eloise in to the office the next day. we had to keep her in indirect sunlight as much as possible and make sure she ate often, but she was over the jaundice by two weeks.

Eloise's birth story

2007-06-06T15:28:00.000-05:00

My daughter is a week old today. Her name is Eloise Jane.

She was 8lb 1oz and 21 inches long at birth. She arrived on May 30th at 38wks 6days gestation.

(Isn't she adorable? This isn't even a great picture of her, but the pictures on the other computer and I'm just too tired to get a better one right now.)

I went in to the hospital on Memorial Day to be induced. On Saturday, the nurse had told me that the induction may take several days because they would need to soften my cervix first. Since she told me this after she spoke with the doctor (not actually my OB, but her partner), I assumed that softening was the doctor's idea, but I'm not sure about that anymore.

When I got to the hospital, got into my gown and had my vitals checked, the nurse said, "now it's time for your IV" - what? I asked her why we had to start it so soon and she looked at me concerned and said because I was here for a pitocin induction so of course I needed an IV now... umm wait a minute, my cervix wasn't "ripe" as of Friday, so the pitocin won't work will it? The two nurses in the room agreed that it worked best on a soft cervix and decided to do an internal exam and then call my doctor. My cervix was "dimpled", but not soft, it was also high and long they said. After a call to the doctor (still the partner, not my OB), she agreed and Cervidil was inserted to start softening my cervix. This meant that I postponed having an IV, although I did have to stay in bed for an hour or two after it was put in. It also meant that I had to be continuously monitered, so even after I could get up, I was only allowed up to use the bathroom. Oh, and just to make things fun, I was only allowed a liquid diet. yum.

I stayed on the Cervidil until about 9pm, and then was allowed to eat solid food at 10pm. My cervix was softer, and I had had contractions for most of the day, but not ones that I could really feel. Unfortunately, the contractions were not regular, and I did not dialate.

On Tuesday my own OB was back, and decided to do a second day of Cervidil. She was hopeful that this might make me go into labor "naturally" (well as natural as it could be at this point, she knew I had hoped for a natural birth and was trying to avoid pitocin). Unfortunately, it did not do anything for me - well, I think my cervix was softer, but not as much progress as had been made the first day. Over both Monday and Tuesday I felt some slight crampiness, but nothing that said "labor" to me. More like slight menstrual cramps that you wouldn't even bother to complain about.

So Wednesday morning at 4am, they started the pitocin at a 4 by 4 dose, which the nurse said was a moderate dose, not the lowest they could do (2x2) nor the highest (6x6). I could feel some cramping, but still not bad, still not as bad as the worst mentrual cramps I've had. However, it did seem to start working immediately and the nurse liked what she saw on the monitor. R and I watched a movie and I dozed off. When the doctor got there (around 9am I think), I was at 2cm and she decided to break my water.

I was really nervous about this. I knew that labor often really kicks in after the membrane is ruptured, but it also means that there's no going back. I was not prepared for how much the breaking would hurt. I also wasn't prepared for how I would feel emotionally. I felt like I had betrayed my baby, like I was kicking her out. I just felt horrible. And I know it's irrational and I knew it then, but I just felt like she wasn't ready to come out and here I was forcing her into the world.

The contractions did get stronger after the water was broken. But after a little while, the pain lessened for me, though the nurse said the contractions were still strong. I was sitting up straight in bed, even leaning forward a little, as this was the most comfortable position for me. This went on for a while. At this point I did have an IV of course and was being monitored, but I could still get up and use the bathroom. My blood pressure kept going up and down, so I couldn't walk around or anything.

The next time I was checked, I think I was at 4cm. I still had no pain medication, but was doing ok - actually I didn't even feel a lot of the contractions. However, at this point my blood pressure was even higher and they said I had to lie down rather than sitting up straight. Oh my God, what a huge difference that made!! The contractions were SO much more painful while laying down, I couldn't believe how much worse it was. I used the lamaze breathing that I had learned, but since I couldn't move around or do anything else I had learned, I didn't see the point in doing without pain medicine. I asked for an epidural and they came quickly and administered it. I'm not sure what time of day it was at this point, but they did another internal after the epidural and I was at 5cm. So I was making progress.

However, I was not making "textbook" progress, which should be about 1cm per hour... I finally got to 7cm around 6:30 that evening. However, at 9pm, I was still at 7cm. And I had maxed out the allowed dosage of pitocin. With my blood pressure still being a huge issue, my OB felt it was time for a c-section.

Eloise was tugged out of me at 9:38pm (they had to struggle a bit to get her out, the poor thing was trying to head towards the proper exit!)

She is beautiful and strong - throughout the whole 3 days she had a good heart rate and wiggled around a lot with no signs of distress.

However, we ended up staying in the hospital for an extra day... but more on that later.

Friday's OB appointment... lots of news

2007-05-27T12:46:00.000-05:00

Well on Friday, my blood pressure was 156/84... and there was protein in my urine, so I was sent directly to the hospital for preeclampsia testing. The doctor told me that, depending on the test results, they might be inducing me that afternoon!

I did pretty well at the hospital testing... my blood pressure was down to 116/70 as soon as I got there! But there's still that whole protein thing... they did blood tests too, though I'm not sure what those results were. So I got sent home and put on bedrest. I also got to do a 24 hour urine test which I found rather amusing. See, you collect it all in one big jug that looks like an orange juice jug and then you have to keep it on ice. And somehow the whole idea of a big oj jug full of pee over ice just strikes me as funny.

Anyway, at the end of the 24 hours, I had to take it back to the hospital and do another round of testing - more blood tests, more monitoring, and more blood pressure tests. The blood pressure wasn't as good as the day before, but it wasn't so terrifyingly high either.

However, the doctor decided to induce me anyway.

So I'm going in on Monday for an induction.

Oh my god, the baby is going to be here REALLY REALLY SOON. When they first started talking about induction I was just freaked out and scared. And disappointed that I won't be able to do it naturally. But now I'm getting more and more excited.

The nurse did warn me though that since my cervix isn't soft, it may take a few days to induce labor. What? It can take that long? Good lord. I had no idea.

So the idea of the baby coming made me pretty antsy, and if I could I'd be running around doing all sorts of last minute things, but of course I'm on bedrest now and can't do anything, which is pretty much driving me insane. But the boys have been really good about getting things done for me - they spent the morning cleaning the living room and doing laundry, which made me feel better to know these things were done.

Ultrasound and a quick OB visit

2007-05-14T20:43:00.000-05:00

So I had my ultrasound today... everything looks good! Baby is measuring a whopping 7lb13oz according to the radiologist's estimate, though this could be high by 10%. (My OB thinks it's closer to 7lbs right now). Anyway, the radiologist's estimate puts baby in the 90th percentile for weight - or measuring about 2 weeks ahead. (Which I'm guessing is how some people get revised due dates, especially if they got pg on their own, but since we all know exactly when I got pg, it's just a darn big baby.)

Anyway, the baby is still in a good position, head down and everything. S/he was busy sucking on his/her hand and wiggling it's little tush around. We could see the baby practicing it's breathing and the little heart was thumping away (heart rate was 160). Fluid levels and placenta looked good.

At the OB's office, I found that my blood pressure has dropped back to the normal range, so things are looking good there. Haven't gained any weight since Friday. So that was my OB visit for the week. I'm not going back until next Friday - the 25th of May - unless anything changes or feels 'weird'. (which means I get to skip an internal exam since I didn't get one today - woohoo! I didn't mention it after my last appointment, but the internal really sucked. Stay the heck away from my cervix! And for all that I wasn't dialated or effaced or anything.)

I really really need to start calling some pediatricians!

Anniversary and Last Day in the Office

2007-05-10T16:57:00.001-05:00

Today is my 4th wedding anniversary. And it was my last day in the office.

I did go in to the office this morning, but I'm at home now. My boss and my coworker took me out to lunch and then kicked me out - carried my stuff to the car and everything (um guys, it's just a laptop, really, I can carry it myself… carried it home earlier this week didn't I?) My office was all packed up so I didn't argue with them (had to literally pack it up as we are moving offices sometime in July).

So I've been home since 2:30, but still working (at least a little). Sitting on the couch with my feet up.

The baby seems to like it - s/he's very squirmy this afternoon. Not kicking so much as rolling around it feels like. Had some hiccups earlier too.

I go to the doctor tomorrow at 10.

We aren't doing anything for our anniversary today, but plan to go the the M.elting Pot tomorrow for dinner - I've never been, but it sounds cool. It's a fondue restaurant.

Reducing my work schedule

2007-05-07T17:16:00.001-05:00

I will start working from home next week unless things are looking better regarding my blood pressure and proteins when I go for my appointment on Friday. (Because I actually prefer working in the office to working at home - weird, I know).

Anyway, I spoke to my boss today and he's fine with just about anything I arrange, which makes things easy.
My original plan, previously discussed with my boss before this last OB visit, was to start working from home on the 21st. So I'm only moving it up a week.

I'm also going to take all Fridays off, so my hours will be reduced. (I currently have every-other Friday off based on the company work schedule.)

I'll also pass off the most irritating aspect of my job to a coworker who will be in the office, and pass off the most tedious part of my job to the lady who will be covering most of my job while I'm on leave.

I do feel some added pressure to tie up loose ends and make sure everything's covered at work, but I think we're in pretty good shape. I only have one task left that would be next to impossible for someone else to do, and that's putting together some user statistics. Not exactly high stress stuff. And frankly, not the end of the world if it didn't get done until I came back. Other than that, my role these next few weeks is to answer questions from the people who are covering my job. Hmmm… when I think of it that way, it's a good thing I'll be reducing my hours. I don't think I could fill an entire work week with just that.

2007-05-06T18:09:00.000-05:00

I had my OB appointment on Friday.

I gained 4 lbs in the last 2 weeks, bringing my total up to 13 lbs. So that's one less worry.

But my blood pressure was up. And I had protein in my urine. And my fingers and toes have been swelling...

which are all signs of preeclampsia.

Not to say that I have preeclampisa - but it's something "we're keeping an eye on", according to the doctor. (well, at least that's what the doctor said, but according to Dr. Google high blood pressure + protein = preeclampsia)

Not sure what preeclampsia is? "Preeclampsia and other hypertensive disorders of pregnancy are a leading global cause of maternal and infant illness and death."

And the best way (really the only way) to end preeclampsia? Have the baby.

The good news is that the later you develop preeclampsia, the less severe it tends to be. If you get it earlier, the baby tends to be small. (My baby is still measuring large, so yeah! Go baby go!)

I didn't realize how serious the increase in my blood pressure was until the doctor said, "... I'm not saying you can't go to work..." - ACK! What? Anyway, the gist of it is that I'm supposed to go to work and that's about it. No shopping, no running errands, put my feet up and rest as much as possible. "Don't do anything you don't absolutely have to do."

I need to make an appointment for an ultrasound this week if they can squeeze me in. I go back to the doctor on Friday - it's time for weekly appointments.

quick update

2007-05-01T14:30:00.000-05:00

A quick update since I've been chastized for not updating my blog (gee thanks dad.)

We've been busy taking classes - the last two Sunday's we've been taking "Prepared Childbirth" at the hospital. And this past Saturday we took a breastfeeding class as well (yes, R went too, all the guys did, they need to know what's supposed to be going on too).

After the first childbirth class, I was quite upset because the teacher told us that it is hospital policy that every woman have an en.ema when admitted. I'd heard that this was pretty outdated and that it just wasn't done any more, but after hearing this I started doing more research. Not only could I not find many modern birth stories where an en.ema had been administered, I found out that the World Health Organization has stated that this should NOT be a routine procedure since 1985. Yes, for THE LAST 27 YEARS. And there are still people out there doing it routinely. Quite prepared to argue and be a pest in class over this little issue, I wasn't sure if I was relieved or not to find that we had a different teacher for the second half of class. When she mentioned in passing that routine shaving, en.emas, and epidurals were all pretty much a thing of the past, I told her what the last teacher had said. She was surprised to hear it. She said it was not hospital policy, though perhaps it was part of the standing orders of the doctor for whom the first teacher worked. And to ask my doctor what her standing orders are. Don't worry, I will. I've got enough to worry about trying to squeeze out a baby without thinking about someone messing with my behind. (The second teacher also pointed out that most women will end up making a little mess on the table even if they've had an en.ema, said not to worry about it, the nurse will have it cleaned up in a jiffy.)

Anyway, after our Saturday class, we went to A Woman's Work, which is a specialty shop in town that sells everything to do with nursing, as well as slings and some of the cutest clothes I've ever seen (I didn't look at price tags on the clothes though, I'm sure they were outrageous). But the reason we went was to get me a nursing bra.

It's recommended to have one ready to go before the baby comes, but not to stock up on them because you can't be sure of the sizing until the milk comes in. And since I have an outrageously huge "nursing facility" built onto the front of my body, I was a little worried about being able to find something in my size. (Because you see, even those bras you see at Walmart that look SO HUGE (you know the ones I mean, the ones where you think, dear god, who wears those things?!) Even those are many sizes too small for my pre-pg size, let alone my new and "improved" size) Even shopping online I didn't seem many options in my size, so that made me really worried. BUT the good news is that the specialty store did have a wide range of bizarre sizes, including mine (and even some that were too big - what a great feeling!) So I bought one and there's one less thing to worry about getting done before the baby comes.

Got the car seat installed too. It freaks me out to see it back there every time I get in the car.

33 week OB appointment

2007-04-20T15:26:00.000-05:00

Well, I had my OB appointment today. Everything looks good. The heartrate was 156. I'm measuring a bit large - but apparently my 2nd anatomy scan showed the baby was in the 59th percentile for size, so being a bit large at this point is still in line with that. And I gained 2 lbs in the last month. Still not a lot, but it's better than losing weight! So now I'm back to 9lbs gained overall. It was a pretty fast appointment since I didn't really have any questions to ask. The only other interesting information the OB tossed out was that at this stage in the game, the "take-home" rate for babies is the same now as it is at full term. Not to say that it wouldn't be better to have the baby later rather than now, but to have it now wouldn't be life-threatening for the baby.

Anyway, to sum up my appointment: All is well, and I go back in 2 weeks.

After that I'll start going weekly!! Ack! Is it really that close???

I think I've had a couple of Braxton-Hicks contractions. They were uncomfortable but didn't really hurt. But my whole belly got really really hard. It was weird. It's done it twice this week, on different nights.

maternity coverage, Infant CPR, lamaze, and my baby shower.

2007-04-17T15:21:00.001-05:00

Yea! We finally worked out how my job will be covered while I'm on maternity leave! She'll start in May, so with any luck we'll have 4 weeks to work together before she's on her own. She's working part time and doing most of the work from home. She won't be covering my entire job, another co-worker is going to pick up some of it, but she'll be doing the more librarian-ish parts of it which makes me feel better. Better yet, she's a friend and we used to work together, so I have no doubts about her abilities.
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We went to Infant CPR last night. I was unimpressed. The teacher seemed very happy. In that fake-chirpy way that so many trainers seem to have. So happy I wondered what she was on and if she'd loan me some of her happy pills. We started 15 minutes late. She kept wandering off topic (yes, car seats are important, but that's not what we were there to learn). Class ended on time. I could have learned more by just watching a video online. In fact, that's pretty much what we did when she wasn't babbling - we watched a video. There was no hands-on practice. We were each given a baby doll to "practice" on, but oh no, don't put your mouth on it, they aren't sterile. And they weren't really CPR dummies. Just dolls. So they pretty much served no purpose whatsoever. Now that I'm thinking about it more, the class is Infant CPR and Safety, so I supposed car seats aren't really off-topic. It was just that everything was presented in such a random way, skipping around, no particular order, no rhyme or reason, just tossing out random tidbits of information as they crossed her mind.

In fact, here's a video so you can learn Infant CPR online - or learn at least as much as we know. We also covered how to help a choking infant, so here's a video to learn how to help a choking infant.

Just in case you live in Houston, I do not recommend the Infant CPR class at Cy-Fair hospital. I'm glad we only paid $10 for it, but I wish I felt I had learned more, had actually gotten to practice, and hadn't wasted an hour of my life listen to Ms. Happy babble on about whatever stray thought crossed her mind. I'm actually dreading the infant care class that we have signed up for, simply for fear that I'll have the same bubble-headed trainer babbling at us for 2 hours.
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We have our 3rd lamaze class tonight. Everyone I know seems to think I'm insane for even attempting to avoid an epidural. Of course, they also think I'm insane for wanting to use cloth diapers. And for going to La Le.che Lea.gue meetings.
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I had my baby shower on Saturday! It was very very nice. I'll have to post a pic of the cake when someone sends it to me - it was adorable and had a little baby covered in a blanket on it, in 3D. There were 2 little girls at the shower who clamoured to eat the baby's head, which was kinda cute in a cannibalistic sort of way. Anyway, there were onsies and burp cloths out on the tables and fabric paint was provided so people could decorate onsies for the baby. I think I have a pretty talented group of friends, because they made some fantastic little outfits! The only big glitch in the weekend is that my mom's flight was cancelled on Friday night, and then her 7am flight Saturday was delayed until it was a 1pm flight and she flew into the airport on the far side of town! She ended up renting a car and driving to the shower in the clothes she'd been wearing for 2 days (good thing she wears nicer clothes to travel in than I do!). Anyway, she ended up arriving only 30 minutes late, so that was good. But the whole thing caused a lot of stress for her and for me. We did get a lot of cool stuff and some gift cards too. Mom and I went shopping Sunday and used up the gift cards - it gave me a chance to review my registries and see if I have what I need. I think I do. I think we're set - certainly with the essentials. Just need to write my thank-yous now.

My birth story.

2007-04-05T14:56:00.000-05:00

No, I haven’t given birth yet! This is the story of my birth. My mom wrote a letter to her sister a couple weeks after I was born and made a copy of it before she sent it. Her sister was pregnant at the time and living overseas – my cousin is about a month younger than I am.

Anyway, here’s the story of my birth… It’s almost exactly as she wrote it except without the spelling mistakes and with slightly improved punctuation :)

(Dad, any details or rememberances to add to this?)

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July 5^th, 1974

Dear (sister),

Just found a minute and thought I’d write. Things have really been going fast and exciting and tiring. I don’t think anybody could have told me anything to have prepared me for giving birth. Looking back it was exciting but I don’t think I thought that at the time. Well, as the story goes… Thurs. June 6 I went to the Dr. for my weekly check up and he told me to go home and pack my bag because I’d started to dilate. This alone was enough to put me in a tail spin… what if something happened at work and not knowing exactly what could happen I continued to work although I informed several people of my immediate condition and to be prepared. Although I don’t think they took me serious.

Tues. however several of the guys took me out to lunch as a farewell and while having lunch I had a funny pang and jokingly said well there’s the first… again at 3 I had another – nothing painful but something I hadn’t felt before. Before I left I had cleared my desk and made notes as to what I was doing. By 4:30 and having gotten home I knew this was it! Mark got home and for the rest of the night we timed contractions, at 3AM the mucus plug came out and I called the Dr. – very sleepily and not very concerned he told me to go to the hospital when the pains became regular at 10 min. apart. My best advice at this point is – Man – save your energy and try an get some sleep. ‘Cause you’re gonna need it later! Well, being in my excited state over the unknown near future – I couldn’t sleep.

At 5A.M. Mark got up and had breakfast. The contractions at this time were 3-5 min. but not very severe – I could still walk around. I still didn’t know whether to go in or not. By 6 they had subsided to 15-20 min. We started for the hospital but stopped by some friends’ house on the way – knowing they’d be up and getting ready for work and borrowed their camera.

Arrived at the hosp. at 7 and having been examined was admitted but was only 2 centimeters dilated. This was easy – if things stayed this way it’d be a breeze. By 9 I’d gone to 3 centimeters and my water hadn’t broken. 10 o’clock the Dr. comes in and says “you get more for your money when your water breaks” and proceeds to do so. Within minutes I found out what a contraction REALLY was. I started moaning, tossing, turning and doing everything but relaxing and breathing. Mark stepped in – got right down in my face and started doing the breathing – realizing this was the thing to do I also started. They had a machine – kinda like a microphone that when placed on the stomach amplifies the baby’s heart beat – hers had jumped to 160 – right then I knew it was a girl.

The hardest thing to do was relax during a contraction but not impossible. About 11:15 I started feeling the urge to push so I started blowing because I was only at 8 centimeters. Finally, finally, the nurse said push – I did once and they rolled me to delivery.

Next thing I knew I was being strapped to the table – didn’t even know when the did the episiotomy even thought I had no anesthetic. Mark had dressed in a gown, mask and head covering and was sitting at the head of my bed. With 2 more contractions and straining every muscle in my body I could feel her move down and out, what a relief. She came out screaming and wiggling a bright new shining baby.

Well, that’s it – hope yours is that easy. I say easy but when I got out of delivery I was trembling – couldn’t control myself, exhausted really. I felt like I’d just run in the marathon.

I can certainly see where some women go bananas during labor. If I hadn’t known how to breath and relax instead of fighting it – whew! Don’t think I can even describe a hard contraction – just be prepared!

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I found some more interesting tidbits in a second letter she wrote to her sister. This one was more chatty, so I’ve just typed up the parts that are relevant to the birth and newborn experience.

Excerpts from a letter dated July 10, 1974

…The candy was delicious and probably helped put on these 8lbs I’m now trying to take off which have nicely settled on my stomach and hips. As my total weight gain was 23lbs and Jena only weighed 6lb3oz. The last week I suddenly gained 4lbs – to my horror I could just see me gaining 4lbs each week until she was born but I was told that it’s normal to gain that much in the end due to water retention and baby weight gain….

… Breastfeeding? Has its joys and drawbacks. You probably won’t have these problems. Seems not many Drs (pediatricians) are of the breast feeding school. The first comment the pediatrician made was “1 out of 30 women successfully breast feed.” Well, kinda makes you wonder how the human race ever survived. I think what he meant was today most don’t want to spend the time and have the patience to do it. Another problem came when Jena ha to remain in the hospital 4 days longer than me – don’t know if Mother or (sister) told you – she had jaundice which is yellow pigmentation of skin and eyes caused by her liver not being able t to disposed of the extra red blood cells accumulated in the womb. The treatment is placing such babies under an ultra violet light – not an uncommon occurrence in smaller babies. Well, me being away 4 days and not breast feeding doesn’t help you milk “come-in”. When she did get home I started her on the breast. The first week home she didn’t gain an oz. which she should have and the Dr. said to put her on the bottle for 48 hours to see if it was a problem with her or me. In four days she gained 8oz. He recommended keeping on the bottle. But my being determined (partly feeling inadequate), I continued breast feeding and supplementing with a bottle. By the 3^rd week I was leaking like a faucet and no way turn it off. So now everything’s going fine. That first week was miserable – since she was sucking and tiring out and not getting enough to eat she’d wake up every 2 hours 24 hours a day. This is when I almost gave up. Try waking every 2 hours and not feeling like hell the next day. One thing still puzzles me with all the sterilization that has to be done on a bottle and all you do to breast feed is wash of with soap and water and then wipe off with sterilized water. This is sterile? Oh well, sure beats preparing bottles now that I’ve done both…

lamaze

2007-04-04T11:48:00.001-05:00

We had our first lamaze class last night. Went pretty well. I don't know that we learned a whole lot, but we'd done a lot of reading already, so some information was just old news to us. We did learn a breathing pattern and start practicing relaxation techniques, so that part was new and informative.

I'm not 100% sure I'll do this without drugs, but I'd like to. Hopefully this class will help me with that.

The teacher was interesting. She's a nurse, though I get the impression that she hasn't worked as a nurse in a very long time. She just started teaching lamaze again after not teaching it for years. She has classes in her home and they are pretty small - there are 4 couples in our class and she said that this is a very large class for her. She's also much much much cheaper than any other lamaze teacher I found even though she's teaching from the same materials they are. After going to her house, I can maybe see why - she lives in one of the biggest houses I've ever seen. She's obviously not doing this for the money. She said she's doing this because she's concerned about the amount of medical intervention that happens in births in this country - and about the high c-section rate.

She also rearranged the class schedule to work around A's school play that we plan to attend next week, so that's really great. We have a class on Thursday to make up for the one we'll miss next week.

I think I'll go to another La Leche League meeting tonight - I wasn't planning to go back, at least not until I had the baby, but tonight they're talking about slings and said they'd have a bunch of different ones there and I'd like to see them. So many are only available online, so it's hard to do a comparison and see what you might like.

Mostly just whining

2007-04-02T15:25:00.001-05:00

We had a pretty lousy weekend.

The power went out early Saturday morning and despite assurances by the power company that it would be on by 10am, it did not come on until 10:30 pm. It was out for over 14 hours. Nice, eh?

Just to make things more fun, my stepson was sick with a cough and a fever - and how much fun is it to be 12 and be sick in a house where there's no TV?? He didn't complain much, but still, it sucked. (We did offer to take him back to his mom's where there was electricity, but he said he'd rather stay. I take it as a sign of how ill he was feeling - willingly foregoing television?? Yikes! He's better now though.)

AND we were supposed to have an electrician out to do some work… since an electrician, oddly enough, needs electricity to do his work (or at least to check his work at the end of the job), we have to reschedule… but when? Next weekend is Easter, the weekend after is the baby shower and both my mom and R's mom will be staying with us, so it'll have to be the weekend after that. April 21st. Ugh. So far away.

Anyway, Sunday was a lazy day too, but at least A could watch TV and we could all lounge in air conditioned comfort. It's not so hot that most people would *need* to have the AC on already, but it was very humid and somewhat warm, and damnit I'm pregnant and I get freaking hot! (Did I mention that one of the things the electrician was going to do was put a ceiling fan in our bedroom? I really want my ceiling fan and I'm feeling quite cranky about it. Box fans are just NOT the same.)

Highlight of the weekend: going to S.onic for slushies.

------------
Now for the non whining portion of this post:

I'm fine (just cranky), the baby seems fine and is moving all around. I forgot to mention last time I went to the OB that the baby's heart rate was 160.

That is all. Carry on.

29 weeks update

2007-03-26T09:55:00.000-05:00

I went to the OB of Friday - everything looked good.

I got my glucose test numbers. My blood sugar was 100. She said that 140 was the cutoff for gestational diabetes, 130 was high enough to modify my diet, but that 100 was fantastic and there are no worries. So that's good to know.

Only odd thing is that I lost 2.5 pounds (which leaves me up 7 lbs total over my pre-pg weight). The doctor wasn't very concerned, she asked if I'd been eating well, and I said that I thought I had. But really, just thinking about all the ice cream, cheese, and beef I've eaten should be enough to make me gain 5lbs, so I don't know what the heck is going on. I guess I'll just try to eat a bit more... but I really don't know how I'll manage that since I feel like I eat all day long.

Don't worry, a lot of the pregnancy weight most people put on is from their body putting on an extra fat layer to have reserves to feed the baby - my "extra fat layer" was already well established pre-pg and there's plenty of fat available to create a milk supply, so that's why I don't need to gain much weight, though I really shouldn't keep losing any and I'm honestly not trying to lose any. Oh, and of course, your weight really does fluctuate a little each day, which could account for a lot of the 2.5 lbs I 'lost'.

Anyway, the doctor had said before that after this appointment she'd have me come in every 2 weeks instead of monthly. But on Friday she decided that I was doing really well (see? so weight loss is no biggie) and there was no point in going back in 2 weeks, so my next appointment is 4 weeks out - April 20th. And then I'll do one or two fortnightly appointments before going to weekly appointments.

That's all for now. Everybody go have a nice milkshake and think of me. (A *nice* milkshake, not one of those nasty things from Mc.Donalds or Wend.ys)

Week 28 update

2007-03-15T15:57:00.001-05:00

I smell bad.

I took a shower today and I'm wearing deoderant, but I swear I still smell. In the last week I've really noticed an increase in my body odor. If I take a shower at night, deoderant must be applied immediately or I can't stand the smell of myself as I try to fall asleep. I have deoderant in my desk drawer at work for emergency stink. I had noticed a change in b.o. strength early on in my pregnancy, but then it seemed to go away - but it's back. Try not to stand to close. (Sorry R, you have to stay close to me, no free pass for you, just try not to breath through your nose.)

My back hurts.

I had a preggo massage last weekend, which was great, but had no long lasting effects on my back pain. It's not horrible pain, it's just constant and annoying. It's hard to get comfortable.

I cry a lot.

Not serious crying, I just get weepy at everything. Especially the news. Is it just me or are there a ton of dead/abused baby stories in the news right now? I can't even scan the headlines without a tissue in my hand. Want to read a sad one? Here's the story of a boy who fought to get his baby sister a proper burial.

I did have a few weepy moments last night that were more like infertility flashbacks. As R admired my bare belly and I stared at the curve of my belly under his hand, I just started crying. I never thought it would happen. And sometimes I still don't believe that it is happening despite feeling Little E kick the bejesus out of me.

A name.

Yeah, that's right, I called the baby Little E, not Little Bugger. I think we've chosen the names for a boy and girl. Don't worry, it's not the same name, they just both happen to start with the letter E. Weird, huh? But don't run out and get us a monogram or anything, we reserve the right to change our minds upon seeing the kid - ok, I reserve the right to change my mind and to change R's for him :p After all, I'll have just given birth, do you really think he's going to argue with me? Both E names, and the back-up names are just names we picked out and like, they don't have special meaning and aren't family names. The middle names have been decided for quite some time and they are family names.

Classes.

We're signed up for childbirth and breastfeeding classes at the hospital for late April. We've signed up for infant care and cpr classes at a local hospital that's closer to the house, also in late April. I think we're going to take some Lamaze classes too, which would start in the next week or two. Still not sure that I can or will do this without drugs, but if I'm even going to try then I figure I need some lessons!

Next OB appt is the 23rd. After that we go from monthly appointments to every 2 weeks.

Nesting

2007-03-07T10:31:00.001-06:00

It's March 7th - 3 months exactly before the due date. So in my mind, the 3rd trimester begins today. Of course I'll only be 27 weeks tomorrow. Depending on who you ask, 3rd trimester begins either at 28 weeks or 30 weeks. (30 weeks? How is only 10 weeks supposed to be a third of 40? It's certainly not 3 months!)

Anyway, I had lunch yesterday with a co-worker whom I see about once a month. As father of 2 kids under the age of 3, he's familiar with the emotional stages of pregnancy. He asked if I'd started nesting yet. I said no. He told me how his wife had done it before both her sons were born - organizing everything and getting the house ready. I said, oh, well, I did clean out underneath the kitchen sink and bathroom sink last weekend!

He laughed a bit and said, well, you can tell when a woman's really nesting by looking at the linen closet - if all the sheets are stacked up and it's amazingly orderly…

At which point I started laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes because I had to 'fess up that I organized the linen closet the weekend before - and that not only were the sheets stacked by size, the shelves are labeled.

Oh dear, maybe I am nesting.

When I started to tell this story to R, and told him that I told my friend I wasn't nesting, he said - Oh yeah, you're nesting all right. See, last weekend I made this whole list of things to do around the house ranging from clean the patio and clean under the sinks to go grocery shopping. In my mind, this was a list to fend off the annoying question "what do we need to do this weekend", but apparently the list got put in the "she's nesting" category.

preparing the nursery

2007-03-05T10:38:00.000-06:00

Just thought I'd share the nursery colors. This is the fabric for the chair in the nursery and hopefully I'll get around to making a valance too. The walls are sage green, somewhere bewteen the skinny darkest green stripe in the fabric and the next darkest green. (sorry about the black background, I promise there's no black fabric planned for the nursery)

The furniture is already in of course, but there's still some junk that needs to be removed. I'll try to take a picture later.

discussing post-maternity-leave options

2007-03-01T13:38:00.000-06:00

Had an interesting conversation with my co-worker this week…

I work on a very small team. There are only 3 of us now - my boss (P) and my co-worker(S). P is an older guy (old enough to be my parent at least) and S is a woman a few years younger than me. I'm pretty close to S. We all go out to lunch a lot, and I like P, but due to his being the boss and just his general personality, I don't tell him as much as I tell S.

So S knows that I'd like to stay home with the baby but that I probably won't. She knows what I'm hoping to do for childcare, that I'd like to take off all Fridays and exactly what kind of flexibility I'm looking for. But P doesn't because it seems too early to have these discussions with him.

Well one day last week when I wasn't in the office, S and P go out to lunch together and as they are walking past the campus daycare the kids are out playing and P tells S that he thinks I won't come back after I have the baby! So S, always willing to walk that fine line between keeping secrets and steering the boss in the right direction, has a conversation with him that goes something like this...

S: um, I think she's planning on it.
P: oh really? has she talked about it?
S: some… but I think she'd probably want some flexibility with her schedule
P: oh, of course, that's not a problem.

So now he's been primed and is ready for a discussion about me working a few less hours a week and will probably be agreeable :) That's good to know. I also know a couple other things that make me feel better about my chances of arranging a good schedule 1) it took P a long time to fill the position; 2) P likes my work; 3) P hates change in the sense that he'd prefer to not have to 'break in' a new person for this job.

Anyway, I'll talk to P as soon as he's back in the country - but that's not until March 12th.

Feb 21 Update

2007-02-28T14:56:00.001-06:00

Once again I fell off the blogging wagon… sorry about that.

My Feb 21 ultrasound went well. The baby is measuring just as it should. We had this one recorded too, so it's all on videotape. I did get some pictures of the baby printed out, but honestly these are the worst ones ever. I can barely tell what they are and I was there when they were taken! This tech was the lousiest photographer yet. Oh well.

I took the 1-hr glucose test that day too. I just called the nurse and she said that they only call if the results are abnormal - but my OB is running behind on her charts, so she can't say for sure if my test was ok. But if I don't here from them by the end of the week, then it should be fine. OK, I can live with that.

I was also able to ask my OB some of the questions that you're apparently supposed to ask before you choose an OB (better late than never, right?). So I asked about her c-section rate and her thoughts on episiotomies. She said that she thought her rate was kind of high - 30% - BUT, that's because she has a lot of high risk patients. And she pointed out that it's a lot lower than the hospital's overall rate, which is over 40%. She said that there's no reason to think I would need one.

But here's the best news… she does not do routine episiotomies. The idea of an episiotomy was really making me nervous, so I was very glad to hear it. She said that there can be a medical need for one, but that she probably does about 2 per year! 2??!? Wow. OK, I can definitely live with that.

I also told her that I was thinking about natural childbirth but wasn't certain. She said whatever I wanted was fine (But I realize that my statement was broad and vague and her answer was vague, but good enough for now.)

Now I just need to decide what questions to ask next time. Any suggestions? Rob and I started putting together a birth plan, but it was really hard to do! If I go back and read it I'm sure I can come up with many more things to ask. And also, for some things I wanted to wait until we had the childbirth class at the hospital because just learning their policies may clear up some questions.

R felt the baby move!

2007-02-16T14:43:00.000-06:00

This morning R felt the baby move for the first time ever. Little Bugger was squirming a little more than usual for that time of day, so I pressed R's hand to my belly. Even though it wasn't the hardest kick the baby's done, R could finally feel it! I'm so excited by this, maybe even more than R is, but he did seem very pleased to have felt Little Bugger move. Baby got in a few more kicks before we had to get up.

:)

small update

2007-02-12T13:24:00.000-06:00

Ultrasound appointment and OB appointment are set for the 21st. No available ultrasound appointments until then.

Nothing else to report - have a good week!

doctor's visit

2007-02-09T13:34:00.000-06:00

I'm 23 weeks, 1 day today.

I went to the doctor this morning. Since I moved my appointment up by a week, I couldn't take my glucose test yet. But that's ok, I'll get the chance to take it when I go back next week. Yes, next week.

There's some white blood cells in my urine, so she put me on an antimiotic for a possible bladder infection. She'll test again next week.

She said I was measuring a bit large, and since when I had my anatomy scan done a few weeks ago, little bugger was squirming too much to get good measurements, I'm going back next week for another hospital ultrasound.

However, I did get back the results of my quad screen, and everything was just fine on that.

And last but not least, I've only gained 7.5 pounds for the entire pregnancy which is just fine according to my doctor. But I have to say, when I look down at this big ol' belly, I'm astounded that I haven't put on more weight. I'm really not trying to watch what I eat either - I eat what I want, when I want. Fortunately, most sweets just don't sound appealing, otherwise I'd probably have ballooned by this point! Also, I don't feel like I can eat very much. I just get full very fast.

So on a typical day, my diet consists of something like this:

breakfast: glass of milk and oatmeal with raisins / or cereal
morning snack: a banana or pear (or pastry if they have some at work!)
lunch: always has been my biggest meal of the day, I've only now gotten to the point where I can occassionally eat my entire meal. More often, I eat about half what I used to eat.
early afternoon snack: banana, apple, or pear
late afternoon snack: mini-bag of popcorn and a cup of cocoa
dinner: a glass of milk and something small. A 'snack-sized' serving of noodles, meat and peas is a 'big' meal for dinner. Sometimes just a coffee mug of cottage cheese and canned fruit (peaches, pineapple or mandarin orange).
after dinner snack: a glass of milk

I'm really glad they put out free fruit for us at work! And we're going through 1.5 to 2 gallons of milk each week. Rob only has milk with cereal, so I'm pretty sure that I'm the one drinking most of that.

Later today I'm going to the eye doctor for new glasses - the headaches that used to plague me are gone though. I suspect they were hormone induced.

spotting

2007-02-06T12:38:00.000-06:00

I had a scare last night. I'm okay, the baby's okay, but here's my story.

Getting ready for bed last night, I went to the bathroom. And, in the ritual of pregnant women everywhere, I always look at the toilet paper just to make sure everything's ok. And it was there. A streak of blood. Not more than a tinge really, the kind where you're not sure if you're seeing what you're seeing, and you move your hand just to make sure you're not catching a glimpse of your finger through a thin spot in the tissue.

But it was there. I wiped again and again, each time getting just a trace of pink. Not brown, this was fresh blood, just not enough of it to make it red.

I called the doctor's office, they took my info and spoke to the doctor. She called me back within seconds.

I explained that it wasn't a lot, that it was just a tinge of blood on the tissue. That I was not in any pain…. except… well, yesterday I felt kind of crampy in a gassy and constipated sort of way. Not extremely crampy - I wouldn't have mentioned it except for the blood. She asked me how fast I could get to the hospital and told me that they'd be expecting me. We got there a little after 10:30 last night.

I went straight up to labor and delivery and a very nice nurse was waiting for me. She took urine and blood and hooked me up to some monitors. The fetal monitor picked up the heartbeat right away and it sounded good and reassuring to me. The monitor for contractions never picked up anything fortunately. She quizzed me about my recent activities, but I've done nothing that could have caused bleeding. She did an internal exam (wow, that was fun.) and told me that my cervix was closed up good and tight like it should be. I didn't have any more bleeding while I was there. The labs finally came back and showed my blood was fine and that there was a little blood in my urine, but not a lot (it certainly wasn't visible to the eye or anything).

I was told to just go to my appointment on Friday and my discharge papers say "no heavy lifting", but that's it. Of course, at 1am I was a little mixed up and my doctor's appointment isn't this Friday but next Friday. I have a call in to the doctor now to get that moved up.

Week 22 and cruise update

2007-02-01T15:49:00.000-06:00

Hello! And welcome to week 22 of my pregnancy. We will be serving severe heartburn and indigestion for the remainder of this flight. Please store your backache in the overhead bin if it will not fit under the seat in front of you…

No really, I'm fine. :)

Here's my pet peeve of the day. According to webmd, I'm 6 months pregnant. According to babycenter, I'm not even 5 and a half months pregnant. According to my own made-up calendar based on my due date, I'm a week shy of month 6. No wonder every pregnant woman quotes her time in weeks!

Anyway, I had a good time on my cruise to Cozumel. I was sea sick the first day despite the sea.bands I wore. I don't know if they didn't work at all or if they were doing a great job of preventing me from losing my lunch - and I was not willing to remove them to find out! I was awake for about 6 woozy hours on Friday, though we did manage to go to the art auction and bid on some stuff! the formal dinner was that night and I really wanted to go… so we went. And then I had to get up and leave after eating maybe 3 bites of beef tenderloin. Oh well, I tried.

Saturday in Cozumel was great. We were at Chaukanaub by 9am sitting on the beach with snorkeling in easy reach. I've always seen movies where people get drinks on the beach, but I've never had that experience until now - and I tell you, it's the height of luxury even if your drinks are just water and cokes. We went to Pancho's for a late lunch (it was ok, I'd not go back) and walked through the shops for a bit before we went back to the ship.

When I woke up Sunday, I was greeted by the wonderful news that my day at sea was going to be extended by 8 hours. Since my only other day at sea was unpleasant, I was not happy with this! Turns out that someone got sick and we turned around and went back to Cozumel during the night, returning at 3am. The good news is that Sunday was a much smoother sailing day than Friday had been. I managed to stay well enough that I could go onto the upper decks and we hung out at the pool (it was indoors) for a long time. We also went to the 2nd art auction and bid on more stuff. All in all, I think that we spent very little time in the room on Sunday. We even managed to go out and play minature golf in the fierce wind (if the wind or the sway of the ship moves your ball into the hole, that counts as a hole in zero!).

I didn't go to any of the shows, but R did - I didn't hold him hostage in the room when I was feeling bad or was just to tired to go anywhere. He also went to the midnight chocolate buffet where he learned that it's a bad idea to eat chocolate and then go straight to bed :p He even went to a swing dance class because we knew that there's usually a shortage of men at things like that (R already knows how to swing dance, that's how we met, but he said it was a good refresher).

Monday we docked at 1pm instead of 7am, so we got a bit of extra vacation out of it. Mostly we just hung out by the pool, but we did play a fierce game of ping pong too.

All in all, I think it was a good trip. Would I cruise again? Yes, but not while pregnant. I want to be able to take any drug I may need to fight of motion sickness!

update on not much and other thrilling things

2007-01-24T17:16:00.000-06:00

I have a handful of blogs I read, mostly other infertiles (though most now are happily pregnant, we're still infertiles). And when I go to check on them, I freely admit that I get somewhat miffed that they haven't been updated.

How hypocritical and irrational is THAT??? :p Since I'm probably one of the most non-updating, lazy, slow-to-post blogger in the entire blog-o-sphere, it's extremely hypocritical…

So in an effort to not be quite so lazy and hypocritical, I'm posting.

Even though I really have nothing much to update.

The most exciting news I have is that I went out last weekend and bought some maternity clothes at Mo.ther.hood - two shirts and a pair of shorts. Yes, after trying on about 5 different pairs of pants and jeans and at least 20 shirts, I bought everything that fit me and looked decent. 2 shirts and a pair of shorts. That's it.

Why buy shorts? Because I'm going on a CRUISE! We leave TOMORROW! Waaahhoooo!!!!!!!!!! (I'm excited, can you tell?) I've never been on a cruise before. I'm a bit worried about getting sea sick, so I bought some seabands - little accupressure wrist bands that are supposed to keep you from losing your lunch. I've also got some pedia.lyte, that drink you usually give sick kids to keep them from dehydrating. Not really sure how it's different from gator.ade, but the CDC says preggo people should drink pedialyte if they get the norovirus - you know, that nasty stomach bug that sometimes gives everybody on an entire ship the runs - since the CDC doesn't recommend immodiu.m or pep.to, even though I'm not sure my doctor would object to me taking that. (note to self: find list of approved drugs the OB gave me, might come in handy) Anyway, despite these little precautions I've taken, I'm excited and very hopeful that I won't get sick/feel bad on the trip.

I even found something to wear for the formal dinner on the ship. A pair of slinky black pants (rayon- knit-stuff I think) and a pink long-sleeved gauzy shirt. Now I'd wear this to work, so it's not over-the-top glam or anything, but I think with the right jewelry and makeup that it'll be formal enough. I haven't been to a formal anything since I got engaged 4 years ago, so I definitly wanted to dress up even though R didn't mind skipping it.

In other news, I bought a bassinet today. A second-hand one, since bassinets tend to be pricy and don't get used very long it just seemed too frivolous to buy one or even to register for one. But you know, most baby things are used only for a few months, so why does a bassinet seem frivolous to me? Maybe because they tend to be so frilly and cute. (Mine's a greyish beige, but still frilly and cute).

the big ultrasound

2007-01-13T21:23:00.000-06:00

Well we had the big ultrasound on Friday and everything was fine. We do not want to know the gender, so that is still a suprise. But everything looked good and the baby was so cute! It had its legs crossed and one hand tucked under its head... it wiggled its other hand like it was waving. I was laying there leaking tears :) R was with me, holding my hand. We also got to hear the heartbeat again while they did the scan, but I didn't have the recorder with me this time. We had the ultrasound taped, but we haven't watched it yet, so I don't know if that's on there.

We met the OB afterwards, but she didn't really have much to say other than to report that the radiologist's report said everything was fine. We were able to ask a few questions and get a note that says I'm fit to travel for the cruise we're taking in 2 weeks.

I also asked her about swimming in salt water, since Shop Girl's doctor told her not to do it. Myt doctor said she thought that was being overly cautious and to go have fun. (Of course our different medical histories and different stages of pregnancy probably have a lot to do with the different advice from our doctors.)

Oh, and I also asked about the horrible headaches I've been having - she thinks I should go see my eye doctor, which is what I kinda figured she'd say. My blood pressure, which could have been a cause for headaches, is fine, so no worries there. She also endorsed drinking a little caffiene if it helps with the headaches - which it usually does.

In other news, my back feels like hell. I have a long history of putting my back out. There's nothing quite so fun as a slipped disk. I had about 6 months of physical therapy last year to help me strengthen my back, so I do know what to do to make it feel better. The problem is that the stretch that helps the most involves laying on your stomach - which I can't do. I can lay down in comfort and I can get comfortable standing up, but sitting is very tricky. So I'm really trying to take it easy this weekend and hope it feels a lot better by Monday when I have to go sit at my desk again.

Getting ready for baby furniture and other Important News

2007-01-08T15:19:00.000-06:00

This weekend we did a lot of cleaning. We took the Christmas tree down on Saturday and got all the stuff up into the attic on Sunday - and that's good because all the empty boxes were piled up in the nursery. I started going through some memorabilia stuff that's been stored in the closet and weeded some of it out. Didn't really finish that because we decided that getting the room ready for furniture was more important than reclaiming the closet right now. So, we moved out a huge cabinet full of porcelain dolls and a really heavy iron bakers rack that had been holding all of our serving platters and such. Don't worry, I didn't lift anything heavier than a porcelain doll! The cabinet was on rollers and made the move into the living room with no problem. The iron bookcase we put on those magic glider thingamajigs and so were able to slide that as well. It now sits next to the TV holding pictures, plants, knickknacks and the stereo (which previously sat on the floor, so this is a good thing). The pictures and knickknacks came from the living room bookshelf which I intend to have moved into the nursery as soon as R repaints it since it's a bluish-green that clashes horribly with the nursery's sage green paint.

So the only things left in the nursery are things that I intend to stay in there (closet junk not included!). There's a chair and footrest, a single bed, and a little school desk thing. Next weekend we'll go get the crib and dresser/changing table with my dad's help. We're buying that stuff from a friend. And almost every day she calls or emails to tell me about the other baby stuff she has for me if I want it! A changing pad, a high chair, decorative items, a fancy curtain rod, and so much more! Today she asked me about her stroller! So it sounds like I'll be fully stocked - I'm starting to wonder if I need to have a shower at all!

Anyway, here's my big news of the day…

I think I felt the baby move.

Just a tiny little sensation, a little flutter, so small I only half believe I felt it. But I think I felt the baby move.

holiday re-cap

2007-01-04T11:12:00.000-06:00

Oh geez, it's been a month since I posted?! Sorry! I blame it on the holidays.

Things that have happened in the last month:

I can only wear maternity pants. Although I can fit into some of my husband's jeans just fine, they only feel good when I'm standing up and are uncomfortable to sit down in for long periods of time. So I gave them up.
Haven't been back to the doctor yet - that's coming up next week.
My belly sticks out as much as my boobs! I don't know why this is such a milestone for me, but it just tickles me to no end.
Most nausea is over with. I still don't like the smell of chicken very much, although I've successfully eaten it once. I still feel the need to eat often, but most of the time a glass of milk will do just fine.

We spent Christmas up in north Texas in a tiny little town where my mom was born. She's bought an old historic house there and is in the process of fixing it up. We drove up (7 hour trip!) the Friday before Christmas and mom got there Saturday night. We bought a tree on Christmas eve and put it up (decorated with stuff R and I hauled up from Houston plus popcorn that we strung). I had a bit of an accident Saturday night when I was trying to toss out some burnt popcorn for the birds… I put my foot through a rotten porch board. My leg went in to the top of my calf and I fell down hard on my butt. R was inside and didn't hear me calling him at first, but by the time I broke down in tears he heard me and came out. I didn't even break the skin on my leg and there was no sign of injury to the baby - it just scared me to death! So R had me lay in the recliner and he waited on me all evening.

Well, R had to go back to work on Wednesday, so late Tuesday we drove down to Dallas so he could fly home :( I stayed with my mom until Saturday and then drove home by myself. We hadn't had Christmas with A yet (R's son), so we did that on New Year's Eve morning and then had a nice fondue dinner that night (fondue is usually our Christmas eve tradition)

Anyway, the baby furniture I'm buying from a friend is now available and my dad is going to help us pick it up weekend after next. Guess we better get moving on getting the room ready to hold it all!

I'm still getting a lot of headaches, but other than that I'm feeling pretty good most of the time. I think I'll make an appointment with my eye doctor as I'm long overdue for a checkup.

Hearing the heartbeat!

2006-12-04T12:12:00.000-06:00

I had my 2nd OB appointment! Rob went with me, I was so glad he could get the time off to go! We heard the heartbeat! And then we had an external ultrasound - apparently I won't get any more "wandings". Also did a well-woman exam which was as fun as always (and confused the heck out of the billing lady for some reason, she couldn't grasp that this was a pregnancy visit AND a well-woman visit. whatever)

I haven't scanned in the ultrasound yet, but it looks more like a baby than any ultrasound so far! And, I have a special treat - we recorded the heartbeat!! I couldn't edit the recording, but you can hear the heartbeat best at 1:22 on the recording. You can barely hear it once before that and then towards the end (4:58) you can hear it again for a bit longer, but it's softer. The heart beat was at 158 which is good.

We were also offered genetic testing. I've already had a blood test to check for cystic fibrosis - I'm not a carrier, so we're clear there. I could have had a first-trimester screen, which is a blood test plus an ultrasound, but it would have had to be done this week, and I just couldn't make the decision and make the appointment all in one day. So the only option now is a Quad Screen, which is done between 16 and 18 weeks. The test checks for spina bifida and Down's syndrome. Oh, and it's just a blood test and would basically let us know if we needed to do an amnio later. I don't have to do it, and I'm not sure if I will, but I might.

On a brighter note...

I think I'm starting to show - or rather I would be showing if I didn't have so much belly fat :p What I've realized is that when I suck in my gut, the bottom part doesn't move in. I think the lack of squishiness is why some of my pants aren't fitting anymore. Yes, yes, I realize that they don't fit anymore because there's a baby growing in there, but really, the baby is teeny-tiny and I've only gained 3 pounds, which really doesn't seem like enough to make my pants not fit (especially considering that I don't wear tight, form-fitting clothes to start with). Anyway, this weekend, I snagged a bunch of maternity clothes from my best friend and then I went shopping and bought another pair of maternity pants. AND, I'm actually wearing them at work today!! I don't know why this is so exciting, but it makes me grin. I was telling R this morning that I have that "Oh my gosh I'm pregnant!" feeling all over again. I think it's from the combination of hearing the heartbeat and wearing maternity pants :)

slacking, thanksgiving, and daycare

2006-11-29T21:18:00.000-06:00

OK, well obviously I've been a complete slacker blog-wise, so my apologies to my tiny handful of readers.

I don't have much to report baby-wise. I still feel crappy at times. I still eat often. I still haven't been to the doctor - although I will go on Friday.

We spent all of Thanksgiving week with my mother in law ( hi N! ), who I know reads this so I can't give away any of her dirty little secrets;) But I will say that we had a nice visit, and more importantly I was able to eat at Thanksgiving!! Yeah! Now I have to point out that quite a bit of a typical Thanksgiving meal is very carb/starchy food friendly, which translates into pregnant-Jena-friendly, but I did manage to eat some turkey as well, which was nice.

So now that I've caught everyone up on our doings, here's what's on my mind now. Daycare.

We've started thinking about what to do with the little bugger once she's born (I switch back and forth on referring to gender, we don't know and we don't plan to find out).
I plan to take 3 months off after little bugger's born (unpaid, but I still plan to take it).
After that… well, that's a problem. I would love to stay home. And it's probably technically possible for me to do so, but it would be a bit of a stretch. And really really scary. It is financially possible that I could work reduced hours and not have the bugger in daycare fulltime, but I haven't discussed this with my boss yet. (OK, boss doesn't even know I'm pregnant, I was going to tell him this week, but he's out of town for at least a week and a half, but I promise I'll tell him when he gets back!) What's also possible, and financially feasible is that I work full time and R stays home with little bugger. This would probably make me insanely jealous, but it's a whole lot better than any sort of daycare. However, that last option relies on me getting hired directly by Big Oil, for whom I work as a contractor. Getting hired directly is a possibility, but more like a 50/50 chance, not something I can count on, though I should know for sure by the new year - and would almost certainly mean that I get a nice raise.

So, exploring the more likely option of at least part-time daycare/maybe full-time daycare...
The really nice day care at my office would eat up a quarter of our current combined take-home pay - there's a discount if you're a company employee, but contractors like me have to pay full price. So that's out unless I get hired directly and the discount turns out to be amazing
But maybe it's not the best choice anyways… I mean it'd be convenient for me, but no way would R drive out here to pick up the little bugger, it's just too far and at rush hour it'd be a horrible drive for him (I drive against most of the commuter traffic, so it's not that bad a drive for me usually). So maybe it's just as well that we can't afford it.

The Kinder.care close to the house is $400 cheaper (per month). But when I looked them up on the official Texas day care licensing website, I wasn't very happy to see all the violations and incident reports they in 2005 at that location. Now it's true that they did much better this year, but still… if they've had problems with correct supervision in the past, how can I know it won't happen again?

So the state daycare site got me thinking about home daycare... how do you feel about home daycare? You know, the people that keep half a dozen kids in their home (hopefully at a better $ rate than the other places, though I'd be happy to pay Kinder.care rates as long as it doesn't come with Kinder.care style supervision). Anyways, I've always thought of them as a bit shady…I don't know why I think that, just a feeling, a suspicion if you will. But I found out that some of them are registered with the state. And that means that they get inspected, just like the big day care centers.

There are two of these registered home daycares in my little neighborhood. Both have been in operation since 1987. One has had no violations in the last 2 years (that's all the data that's available on the website). The other did have a violation, a fire extinguisher needed servicing, but she had it serviced and reported back to the inspectors within a week. The state site tells you to consider not only any violations, but what they were and how responsive they were in getting things fixed - so getting it done in a week is pretty good in my book. Neither had any incident reports. I haven't called these people yet, let alone toured their "facilities", I'm just trying to figure out what the options are.

So, if you were a new parent, would you consider home day care? Other options I'm missing?

Released from the RE

2006-11-15T13:31:00.000-06:00

(originally tried to post Fri. Nov 10, but it didn't go through)

Well, today was my last RE appointment! ACK! Scary! I could have gone back next week, but it would only be to get one last look at the baby before I go into a long period of no ultrasounds… and it would be the day we are leaving for Thanksgiving, so I decided it would just be extra stress on that day. So it's done. I'm supposed to wean myself off the progesterone this week.

My next OB appointment is Dec. 1, but I don't think they'll do an ultrasound then - but they will use a "doppler" to listen for the heartbeat.

I've been wondering if my morning sickness is lessening… the last 3 days have been a bit better. I even ate pad thai for lunch earlier this week - a hugely adventerous move on my part! I still haven't eaten meat though I might try some for lunch today. Dinners are still low-key, but I've introduced vegetables back into my diet. OK, so I've only been eating peas and I've only done that twice, but it's a start!

I'll post the ultrasound pic later after I have a chance to scan it in.

Ultrasound #6 and my first OB appointment

2006-11-03T20:29:00.000-06:00

Wow! A fantastic look at the baby today! It even moved a little while we were watching (we= the RE and me, R couldn't be there)

You can see little tiny arm and leg buds! The head is pointing down. Cute little bugger, isn't it?

After my morning wanding at the RE I was off to my OB appointment. Not too much happened - they would have done an ultrasound, but 2 in one day is too much, even for me, so I just showed them the picture and told them that everything was confirmed and the baby was fine and they were ok with that.

I wasn't sure if I was going to go back to my same OB/GYN - these are the same people who kept me on clomid for 7 months and would have kept me on it for 9 if I hadn't gone to the RE on my own. But in the end it just seemed easier. I DID tell the doctor that the RE was a little shocked they kept me on clomid for so long, and she did seem sorry (sorry I felt that way, not that she admitted to making poor choices for me)... and she could tell that I was a bit upset.

The doctor was excited to learn that I was pg... of course, her first thought was that I got pg on clomid since that's the last thing in her records, but I soon set her straight. I find it odd that the receptionist who made my appointment listed me as simply "missed menses" rather than confirmed pregnancy even though I told her I was transferring my care from an RE. And when the nurse was updating my family history and LMP and such, I told her I also had the dates of my IUIs, but she didn't even write that down. I suppose to them it doesn't matter HOW the baby got IN there, they're there to get the babies out.

Ultrasound #5

2006-10-27T20:24:00.000-05:00

Well, from a photogenic standpoint... it's the lousiest picture yet! BUT... all is well and that's what's important :)

My RE told me to make an appointment with my OB, but that she'd have the appointments overlap a little bit, so there's another RE apointment next week, but it might be my last.

Evening sickness continues. Still just horrible nausea and indigestion. Eating more often does help, but it's not the cure.

Food is tricksie

2006-10-26T15:59:00.000-05:00

OK, I'm having a pretty darn good day sickness wise... probably my best day all week. Still a little clog in my throat, but not the full-fledged nausea I've had for most of the week.

Here's my plan: eat every 1.5 - 2 hours even if I'm not hungry.

Based on the premise that my stomach gets angry when it's empty and because I didn't actually feel hungry yesterday or today. (I know, huge change from last week when I hit ravenous every half hour!)

half a granola bar at 8:30.

oatmeal at 10:15

1 doughnut at 11

-- zantac at noon --

lunch at 12:30 - philly cheese steak and mashed potatoes!

banana 3:30

planned food...

PB crackers at 5

half pb&j at 6:30

a little something else at 8 (baked potato? mac n cheese? cereal? pudding!?)

And I'd like to point out that I actually ate MEAT today! Not forbidden lunchmeat (which I've had twice this week), but real meat. I don't know when I last ate real meat but I think my sense of time has definitely warped.

Another oddity I've noticed... it's very hard to choose something to eat, especially after I've started feeling sick. But if I just start eating, I do tend to feel better and so far have been able to eat my meal (except that chicken last weekend, it was evil and couldn't be eaten - yes, I know I found it to be delicious the day before, what's your point?).

To illustrate my point - nothing sounded good for lunch except mashed potatoes. I ordered the philly because I didn't think it'd be stinky and I could at least eat the bread. Well, turns out I ate half the darn thing, meat, cheese, onions, and mushrooms! I did pick out the bell pepper because it just seemed to be too much and it was huge chunks, so I banished them from the sandwich (better safe than sorry.) Being able to eat was particularly important today because it was a team outing and of the 4 of us, half don't know my little secret. So I was very pleased with the meal, with keeping my pregnancy secret, and with not feeling nauseous. A banner day!

Morning sickness and other fun things

2006-10-24T10:44:00.000-05:00

I think I officially have ~~morning sickness~~ evening sickness now. I feel fine when I wake up. There are no saltines on my bedside table. I feel good. Unfortunately, it's the best I'll feel all day, because it's all down-hill from there. I feel I'm at my worst from about 2pm-10pm.

I need to eat pretty quickly somedays. Other days I can wait and eat at work. My typical breakfast of oatmeal has been treating me just fine. But then I need a mid-morning snack - a banana or peanut butter crackers.

And then I need lunch. But by lunch time, I need lunch to be non-smelly. I don't like smelly food. Smelly food includes all sorts of horrible things like roast chicken or any type of cooked meat. Bread is good. Salad can be alright. I don't eat much for lunch.

About 2 hours later, I need a snack. Crackers, granola, that sort of thing. Grapes are good. I ate an apple yesterday, but that didn't sit well.

About the same time, I also start getting indigestion and random waves of nausea. These continue until I go to bed. By later afternoon, I feel pukey - like all the puke in the world is in my throat fighting to get out. Pukey-burps come along with it. Taking some Zantac mid-afternoon helps (and is doctor approved), but doesn't make it all go away.

I still haven't puked, but I did have a plastic bag next to me on the drive home yesterday just in case.

I also get this weird taste in my mouth that goes on for most of the day. Do you ever get an aftertaste of calcium? If I eat a viactiv calcium supplement or eat a Tums, about 30 minutes later I get the nastiest taste in my mouth (this has always happened to me, it's not a pregnancy thing). Well, I seem to get that taste all the time now. Dr. Google tells me it's common, and the only remedy is chewing gum, sucking candy, or lots of ice water. I need to go get some gum.

7w1d - ultrasound #4

2006-10-20T21:22:00.000-05:00

Drove out to Tomball early this morning for an ultrasound (ok, left the house at 8am, early for me, probably not for everyone else, can I help it if I like to sleep??)

The little bugger looks huge compared to last week! Last week was a mostly unidentifiable blob - you could only tell the baby from the yolk sac because the baby was fluttering. This week, the baby is definitly the largest thing in there. Now I don't know if you can tell by these pictures (she's a great doctor, but not such a great photographer, ok?) but in the one on the left, the shape of the baby matches the little picture in the count-down banner at the top of the page! Very exciting stuff :) And we got to see the heartbeat again, only this time it's just at the center of the embryo, it doesn't appear as if the entire blob is fluttering.

Anyway, according to the emails I get from babycenter.com, the little bugger is half an inch long, the size of a raspberry and it now has eyelids, an appendix and a pancreas.

Ultrasound #3 - Heartbeat!

2006-10-13T18:42:00.000-05:00

We saw the heartbeat today, a tiny flutter like butterfly wings (and that was R's poetic description!)

The arrow is pointing at to where we saw the heartbeat. We did have a little scare though, when the gestational sac first appeared on the screen, it appeared to be empty! I think my heart stopped beating right about then. But the RE waved her wand around a bit and voila! the sneaky little bugger was just hiding from us and all is well. She said it measured at 6weeks, which is fine since I'm at 6w1d. She said they just want it to measure within a week of what they expect.

Since we've seen the heartbeat, the next ultrasound won't be until next week on Friday. Unless they can't squeeze us in, in which case we'll have to wait 2 weeks (boo!)

glowing

2006-10-11T11:55:00.000-05:00

People say that pregnant women glow.

Now I know why. They are suffering from nasty oily pregnancy skin.

Is it just me? For the last week or so, I have felt like a walking oil slick. I rarely wear foundation, just powder - but now my powder disappears in less than an hour! I can't even get to work before it's gone. So yesterday I hit the drug store and bought some witch hazel to use as an astringint; an "oil control" face powder that I haven't used since I was a teenager; and blotting papers to keep the oil slick at bay. Ug. I still feel like I've been standing over a deep fat fryer.

ovulation = dressing nicely

2006-10-10T15:45:00.000-05:00

Interesting article on MSN today. "Females wear more jewelry, flashier clothes when they're fertile, study says"

A UCLA studies shows that women tend to dress up more when they're ovulating, even though they're probably not even aware they're ovulating.

Hmmm… does this explain my boring wardrobe? I rarely ovulate, so I rarely dress up?

ultrasound #2

2006-10-10T14:10:00.000-05:00

I had my second ultrasound on Monday at 5w4d! Pretty fast, huh?

The gestational sac is much bigger. You can see the yolk sac and the embryo inside it (the yolk sac is higher up, the arrow is pointing to the baby). The doctor could see the fetal pole, but you can't see it in the picture. She said that everything looked good!

Next ultrasound is this Friday (two per week until we see a hearbeat, then one per week).

** Special note to my perhaps "non-blog-savvy" relatives - you can leave a comment by clicking "comments" at the bottom of the post. I've changed the settings so you don’t need to register with blogger. - love, j

First Ultrasound - 5w1d

2006-10-06T21:50:00.000-05:00

I had my first pg ultrasound today.

R came with me. I'm so glad that he could be there, even though there wasn't a lot to see because it was our first view of our baby. And somehow, seeing it on the screen and seeing the movement just makes it more real. Now I realize that it's not the baby moving, but rather the doctor's magic wand, but still... the sense of motion adds something.

At this stage, it's just a little blob inside a larger, blurrier blob, but the important thing is that it's just one blob. If there had been 2, it would have been a nice thrill, but I'm happy with one. If there had been more than 2 blobs, we would have needed CPR to revive R. His sense of relief was palpable at the doctor's proclamation of a singleton.

Next RE appointment is Monday - not sure why it's so soon, she said everything looked great.

Beta #3

2006-10-03T17:32:00.000-05:00

My 21dpIUI beta is 2196.

We've scheduled the first ultrasound for Friday.

I'm getting less nervous in general and allowing myself to be giddy. But I still worry. The happier I let myself be, the more I think about this pregnancy, the worse I know it will be if something goes wrong.

I'm hoping my high hcg numbers are insurance against bad things happening, but I don't think it works that way. Still, I try to let the giddy feelings outweigh the anxieties.

Some pictures

2006-10-01T20:00:00.000-05:00

OK, so my husband thinks I'm silly and my mom thinks I'm insane. (Write this date down, it may be the first time they've ever agreed on anything.) But I went and bought an hpt. Gee, it um, worked pretty fast. But I swear that seeing that second line just put a big silly grin on my face and I'm glad I got to see it.

I've heard of people keeping their pg tests for sentimental reasons. That seems a little gross to me, but I did take a picture. Which I'm now sharing with you even though you probably don't want to see it.

Since I had my camera out, I took a picture of another fascinating item that I've been holding on to... the bag that the specimen cup came home in.

Now wait, before you click away thinking I'm really and truly crazy, I want it to be know that I did not keep this for sentimental reasons, but for humorous ones. I simply think the graphic on the bag is the most bizzare thing I've ever seen. Especially if you consider what it's meant to carry.

So here it is.

What do you think of this?

Now I assume that the woman and the leaves and such are meant to represent fertility, especially since she's dancing under the moon. But this is for a guy's sample, so I think the female imagery is a bit odd.

But the weirdest thing is that she appears to be dancing inside a condom. It is woman as impotent phallic symbol.

I'm open to other interpretations, please feel free to share.

Beta #2 results

2006-09-29T16:37:00.000-05:00

hcg is 397
progesterone is 19.2

oh my god, it just got a little bit more real.

We told the moms (R's mom and my mom) on Tuesday that we got a positve test. I told my best friend. I tried to call my dad, but haven't gotten hold of him yet.

Now I don't plan to tell a lot of people until much much much later, but everyone knows that there's a secondary circle of people who know every aspect of your life. These are the people that your friends and relatives spill their guts to. I swore all 3 people we told to secrecy until today, just in case the number didn't go up. So I told my mom today that she could tell her cousin, but not the whole family. I'm sure it will leak out though. I'll let R's mom tell his brother and his wife. And I really need to get a hold of my dad.

It's real…isn't it?

You know, it seems very very silly, but I'm not sure it will seem real until I pee on a stick. For the last couple months I've relied on blood tests because I know I tend to obsess on very very faint lines on pee sticks. I need to see that double line now. R thinks I'm silly, but I don't care. I'm buying something to pee on tonight. Just to make it real.

Beta

2006-09-29T14:50:00.000-05:00

I went in for a second beta test this morning. I don't have those results yet, but I did find out the numbers from Tuesday's test: 135 at 14 dpIUI.

Progesterone was at 19. They want progesterone to be at 20, so they doubled the dose of progesterone suppositories.

Wishin', and hopin', and thinkin', and prayin', Planning and dreamin' each night

2006-09-28T14:29:00.000-05:00

I keep thinking of the soundtrack from My Best Friend's Wedding. The "Wishin' and Hopin'" song seems so fitting. And if that's not enough, well "Say a Little Prayer for Me", ok?

I'm trying not to worry. I'm trying to think positive happy healthy baby thoughts. Visualizing the baby snuggling in, nice and cozy and happy.

But those dang "what ifs" are so persistent. I'll find out tomorrow if everything is going well.

My caffeine reduction is going well. I've had a lot of caffeine-free days. But I did have a cup of jasmine tea today, I was getting a headache and it just sounded so good… very very light brew though, so hopefully not too much caffeine.

Do I need to start worrying about what I eat yet? I don't think I do. I did have lunch meat today, but it was a hot sandwich and the meat got nuked, so I think even if I should be watching what I eat, that that was ok.

Can you tell that my mind is jumping all over the place? sorry about that.

+

2006-09-26T16:29:00.000-05:00

oh my god. it's positive.

why do i feel just as nervous and scared as before?

another bloodtest on friday.

please please please god let everything be ok.

the day before testing

2006-09-25T08:33:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow morning I go for my blood test. Should I buy a home test kit tonight and get a sneak preview at the answer? I don't think I will - if I was going to do it, this weekend would have been the time to do it. But to take the home test and then go have blood drawn and then have to go to work? Mmmm... no... doesn't sound like a good idea.

I've been pretty calm during this 2ww. Some deep breathing and working very hard at ignoring the "what ifs..." has been working. Although I did let some what ifs overwhelm me last night. I know it has to freak R out. I mean we're just sitting there on the couch reading, and I start getting teary. He asks if my book is sad. I shake my head no because I can't answer outloud. So he holds me while I sniffle on his shirt for a little while. And then I'm ok again. It was just a wave of worry that washed over me - what if it never happens? can I accept that? should we move on to adoption now? is that right for us? what should we do next? should we really take next month off from ttc? but if I do, will the timing work out with our thanksgiving trip?

1 week wait remaining

2006-09-19T14:47:00.000-05:00

I've been looking at other infertile's blogs for the past few months. When I read about someone's success, sometimes it gives me hope and sometimes it just makes me angry that it's not me. And when I read about other's failures, sometimes I think 'at least I'm not the only one' and sometimes it makes me cry for them. Yesterday was a crying day because every blog I looked at had just lost a baby.

I rarely post comments on others blogs, but I do read several. I haven't figured out how to make the list of "Blog I read" that everyone seems to have. Maybe it would be nice to have online friends, but sometimes I enjoy my anonymity. It's like screaming into the darkness even though no one will hear you. I don't mean that to be as bleak as it may sound, it's just screaming to release the pressure without worrying what the neighbors think.

Not much to report. One more week until testing. The last two days I have had some weird pains. Not quite cramps, more to the side. Brief enough that they're gone before I can think to take aspirin, but long enough that I put my hand on the area and hold it for a moment. That was days 5 and 6dpIUI. I'm making a conscious decision to not read anything into this.

Waiting it out...

2006-09-14T15:24:00.000-05:00

Well I'm fully recovered now. I had a lot of cramping and discomfort. Not really sure if it was even related to the procedure though (*WARNING* TMI follows, skip to next paragraph to avoid descriptions of bodily functions!) or if it was just cramping from gas and constipation. But then that's not something that normally afflicts me, so I don't know if I was constipated from the drugs or something, or simply from changes in my diet due to stress. (Like eating too much ice cream at night and egg sandwiches for breakfast and dinner.)

Anyway, I feel much better now. I'm in a bit of a lull right now. Not yet stressed about the results, I feel calm. But in a way I also feel a bit helpless. I mean, this part is all about luck isn't it? I've done what I can, my bet has been placed and the roulette wheel is in motion.

I read a book on infertility last night, Julia Indichova's Inconceivable. It was a quick read, and pretty interesting. Now her situation and mine aren't that similar. She had a known reason why she was having difficulty (older, high FSH) and she took steps to correct that problem - albeit non-traditional steps. She changed her diet, drank wheatgrass, tried Chinese herbs and acupuncture and a few other things besides. More importantly I think, was that she was taking control of her treatment and not just following what the doctor's said blindly. I do see the logic in improving your diet and trying to make your body as healthy as possible.

To that end, here are my resolutions: to go to yoga at least twice per week (something I'd already started doing a little bit); to reduce caffeine and eventually cut it completely (I have serious addiction, but I'm down to 2 caffeinated drinks per day); and to improve my diet by adding more fruits and vegetables.

IUI #2 - part 2

2006-09-12T12:24:00.000-05:00

Well, IUI #2 is officially complete now.

When I went in this morning, the nurse from hell said to come back at 10:45 and that it would be a different doctor today. What?? You want to run that by me again? I need to spend an extra 45 minutes hanging out in starbucks and then some man I've never even met before is going to be staring at my hoochie? Hello? Some warning would be nice!

Anyway, it went fine. Of course since it's a male doctor the nurse from hell stays in the room with us, which is annoying (yes, I understand WHY the nurse should stay, but since I hate her it's annoying). R provided me with 22 million swimmers post-wash, which is a fantastic number (thanks sweetie!), so there's no reason this shouldn't work.

So now I feel bloated and crampy and generally like crap. And I'm at work. Yea.

So we're supposed to try to do it tonight for any extra swimmers we might be able to get and start progesterone on Friday. Now I've just got to remember to swing by the pharmacy tomorrow after work and we'll settle in for the 2ww.

2006-09-11T21:06:00.000-05:00

Forgot to add that we had 28 million swimmers post-wash this morning :)

IUI #2 - part 1

2006-09-11T15:41:00.000-05:00

Sept 11 2006

Well, sorry I haven't posted in a bit.

Friday I went back in for another appointment. Everything looked good. There were 5 or 6 follicles that should be mature together. But when the bloodwork came back, my body was trying to ovulate on its own! (All those months you don't ovulate and you choose NOW to try to do your job?? Damn body.)

So back to the office for a nice shot in the belly to stop that ovulation nonsense. (Which means that I got stuck with a needle three times in one day - blood draw, shot in belly, repronex in the butt - which really really really doesn't seem fair does it)

Oh, also on Friday morning, Dr. Desplinter introduced the idea of selective reduction. Of course there were plenty of follicles last time and nothing happened. No guarantees that anything will happen this time, let alone have 6 somethings happen, but she had to bring it up. Apparently selective reduction is available for anything over 2 babies. That was kind of shocking. I can't imagine choosing that over triplets and I told her so straight away. It's not something I'm comfortable with and I think the only way I could consider it is if trying to keep them all would risk killing all or some of them. But hopefully it's a decision we'll never have to make.

And an appointment was set up for Saturday morning. Everything looked good, but the bloodwork showed I was still trying to ovulate. So another shot in the belly that evening and then upped the Repronex dose to 4 vials (holy crap, a $200 shot) And then triggered at 11pm Sunday night.

So the first IUI of "IUI #2" was this morning. We decided that R should go to work rather than miss 2 half days of work going with me. A bummer, but I'd rather have him at an ultrasound to see his babies (assuming a positive outcome, see I am capable of postive thinking!!) than to just sit with me while his swimmers are shot up me.

The procedure wasn't bad. Some slight cramping, but that's it.

Cycle 28, Day 7

2006-09-06T11:52:00.000-05:00

I had my doctor's appointment this morning. She said that my uber-headache may have been caused due to estrogen levels rising too quickly. The headache is down to a dull roar, lurking in the back of my skull and waiting to pounce, but no longer gnawing on my eyeball.

I have multiple follicles, things seem to be going well. I don't know the sizes of these (she rattled them off, but I wasn't alert enough this morning to catch them and remember the numbers). Seems like there was one larger one (14mm maybe?) and a bunch in the 10-12 range. Plus "a bunch of smaller ones" she said, though she didn't measure and I didn't really see a "bunch" on the screen that she hadn't measured, but whatever.

I bet we'll be doing the IUIs over the weekend again.

Things are quiet in the office today.

ill

2006-09-05T13:45:00.000-05:00

First off, this is a little off-topic, but I have to get it off my chest. People who bring fish for lunch and reheat it in the microwave should be shot. How disgusting can you get? I should point out that I don't like fish to begin with. I dislike the smell of it and am dismayed whenever a meal-companion orders fish because I know it will smell. And it always does. But reheated fish smells a hundred times worse. And should NOT be allowed in offices where I can't escape the nasty scent.

Now, for the real post….

I had my doctor's appointment on Friday. She said that there's no benefit to doing cycles back-to-back, but no reason not to either. She supported the idea of taking a break if that would be best for me emotionally. But honestly, I didn't relax during our 1 month break and I don’t think I would now either. I would see it as a waste of time. So we proceeded. She did an internal ultrasound and there were some small follicles still hanging out, but since my estradiol level was down at my last blood test, she gave me the go-ahead. She said that everything looked good last time, but she wanted to try me at a slightly higher dose. So I'm taking 3 vials/shot this time. Because of the holiday and because I needed to start on Saturday, the doctor's office dispensed the drugs, so we're paying full price this time. I hope it works.

My next appointment is tomorrow (Wednesday).

I should mention that I feel like crap. Not like I did last time when I felt like I was getting t he flu. I don't feel run-down this time. And the shots don't ache as much. But last night, after our Labor Day shish-kabob extravaganza, I woke up feeling ill. I had a headache so severe it woke me up. I also felt nauseated. I went to the bathroom, took some tylenol and hung my head over the garbage pail for a while. Didn't think I was going to be sick so I turned down the AC (can't go to sleep hot, and I was feeling very hot), and went back to bed. Laid there maybe 15 minutes before I thought I was going to yak. So I went back to the bathroom to hang out there for a while longer. Nothing. Got back to sleep around 2am. Now this morning I feel like crap. The question is, why do I feel like crap? Is it a)because I'm exhausted?; b)because I ate a bad kabob?; c)because taking triple shots of Repronex is making me sick?; or d)some combination of the above? No matter what the answer, I can tell you this for certain: The nasty fish smell is NOT helping! And neither is all the tylenol I'm taking.

Anyway, no yoga tonight for me, I'm going home to bed as soon as I can escape from here.

Cycle 28, Day 1

2006-08-31T21:41:00.000-05:00

Ok, I think I'm good again. Feeling emotionally stable. Didn't cry at all last night, so there have been no tears since I got a little teary yesterday morning (that's like 36 hours without tears, heck that's practically a record!)

But really, emotionally stable sums it up. I can talk about it again (at least at a surface level) without crying, or even getting a tight throat. I was somewhat worried about starting a new cycle, that just the sight of it would set me off again. But as you surmised from the title of this post, I have started a new cycle and I'm happy to report no psychological setbacks (yea me!)
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning, and I'm taking the whole day off. Also on the relaxation front, I'm going to yoga again this afternoon and I also have a massage schedule tomorrow afternoon.

I need to talk to the doctor about next steps. She's supposed to have reviewed my chart. I need to develop some questions to ask her. Is there any benefit to doing back-to-back cycles on injectible fertility meds? Is there benefit to skipping a cycle?

still upset, griping about money, emotional guilt, and I hate my nurse

2006-08-30T16:38:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I’m still not in a very good ~~mood~~ ~~spirit~~ place right now. But it’s getting better. Slowly. I got a little teary once or twice this morning before I got in to work, but no crying eyes at work today (unlike yesterday). I left work early yesterday and went to a yoga class. I think it helped some. I’m thinking about taking Friday off to see if I can de-stress some more.

I don’t know why I take this so badly. (Do I take it worse than others? Does everyone weep for days over every failed cycle? Does everyone going through this feel like they’re dying a slow death as each month goes by?) As I finished sobbing last night I realized that I may very well be near the end of the road – which set-off a second round of sobbing. I can’t keep doing this forever.

I read other blogs, and I see success stories that detail the experiences of 7 IUIs and 3 IVFs – and I’m happy for them, but that’s just not feasible for us. Our insurance doesn’t cover any of this. Nothing. From clomid onwards, it’s all been on our own dime. (there was one exception, they did pay for about half of the HSG test and I am grateful for that even though I’m not sure why they paid that).

Now we have decent jobs, but we don’t make 6 figures even when you combine our salaries. So without insurance, we have to limit our attempts. And it doesn’t seem right that finances are the limiting factor. But that’s the way it is. (OK, yes, even with unlimited funds or amazing insurance, there would be a limit because my emotional well-being isn’t good enough to go through this 10 times, but it still sucks.)

And while we’re on the subject, the grand total is up to $4119. Wow, that’s depressing. The total just for IUI#1 was $2439.

Back to the “I can’t keep doing this forever” topic… I feel guilty that I keep crying on Rob. I know, I know, who else would I cry on? It’s his job to support me “for better or worse”. And he’s good at it, he really is. But how often can you hold someone as they cry and not start to resent being an emotional sponge? And I know he says that he’s disappointed too, but I’m not really sure he understands (or I wonder how he can understand because I don’t always understand my strong emotional reactions to these setbacks). I don’t think this is causing a strain in our marriage yet, but I worry that it might. You don’t have to search very long to find stories of marriages being torn apart by the stresses of infertility. But we have discussed it and we think we’re doing fine so far… but it is a worry (Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m a worrier. I know, I know, I shouldn’t borrow trouble…)

To top it off, I’m pissed as hell at my doctor’s office. At the nurse really. She can’t draw blood for crap. She can’t remember important things (like don’t call me at work to give me the beta test results). She shows no compassion. And she doesn’t do what she says she’ll do (I’ll make sure the doctor calls you on Wednesday and we’ll set up your next appointment then… yeah right, the office closed early, no phone call, not even to set up an appointment)! Grrrrr. Like I’m not already in a pissy and emotionally unbalanced mood?? Hello???

the real answer

2006-08-29T11:36:00.000-05:00

"How are you doing?" they ask. "Fine," I mutter while thinking 'you stupid ass, how the fuck do you think I feel?'

Here, I'll help you out, pick one or more of the following, add to a cramping stomach. Mix well and let sit until it starts to ferment:

disappointed
broken
empty
hollow
barren
bitter
angry
useless
numb
pitiful
raw
anguished

IUI#1 = negative

2006-08-28T15:12:00.000-05:00

It didn't work.

nerves

2006-08-27T21:41:00.000-05:00

I'm so nervous I feel sick.

I'm pretty sure i'm not pg. My boobs aren't nearly as sore anymore, so I think my symptoms are fading.

We started talking about adoption again tonight. We agreed that it's time to start moving on that - not going through with it yet, but it's time to go to an orientation and start exploring it more.

________

For goodness sake, if you come and read my blog, please leave a comment - it's getting lonely in here!

Still waiting

2006-08-21T13:45:00.000-05:00

I'm not super antsy yet.

But I'm getting there.

The wondering kept me up last night.

One more week until I take a pg test.

I keep having all these weird feelings and twinges. I'm hyper-aware of my innards. I can feel a pull or a tug inside me - is that a sign? Or is it just gas?

Do I have pregnancy-like symptoms (sore boobs, sensitivity to smells) because I AM pregnant? Or because I've been shot-up with the pregancy hormone HCG? Can the HCG trigger shot give you symptoms? I've convinced myself that it can. That that is what I'm experiencing. That nothing positive has happened yet. I can't let my hopes get to high lest the fall kill me.

How melodramatic does that sound? :p But how could I pass up a chance to use the word "lest"?

The wait

2006-08-17T10:09:00.000-05:00

Not much going on now.

I just have to wait.

And wait.

Tonight I start on the progesterone again, but that's about it.

Waiting.

I don't feel as anxious as I have some months. Probably because I'm not on the clomid emotional rollercoaster any more. But also because I feel like I've really done everything I can to make this month work.

Ironically, almost all of my doctor's visits happened on a weekend, so right after I told my boss that I'd be coming in late a lot - I'm not. Oh well.

Back to waiting.

A second ride on the magic catheter.

2006-08-14T10:02:00.000-05:00

Well the 2nd IUI is done now. A bit more crampy than the first one, more uncomfortable. Don't know if that's because my cervix had already been poked at the day before and was therefore irritable. Or perhaps I didn't notice as much yesterday because I was expecting hideous pain a la the HSG test.

I made Rob go with me even though he'll have to make up the time at work. Not strictly necessary and somewhat bitchy of my I suppose. But I wanted him there. Call me old fashioned, but I'd like him to at least be in the room when we conceive a child. He was kind enough to provide me with 10,000,000 good post-wash swimmers. As you can see from yesterday's post, that's a good solid number - yea Rob!

Yesterday and today I've been a bit crampy. Strange small pains seem to be making their way throughout the trunk of my body. Nothing too severe, and it is fairly random, but also fairly constant. Also a fair bit of constipation type cramping (and I'm not usually that kind of girl!)
I've read that any pain or cramping after an IUI is supposed to be "ovulation pain" rather than a result of the IUI. I don't think I believe that. After all, I ovulated for 7 months on Clomid and never felt a thing, and certainly didn't feel anything this constant. Besides, I felt like this after the first IUI, and that happened *before* I ovulated. It not horrible pain so I guess I'm a little befuddled at why anyone would want to claim that it's not a result of the IUI.
Oh, we've also come up with some theories on why the IUI doesn't hurt as much as the HSG test did.

1) The time of the month. HSG test is done in the first week or so of the cycle when the cervix is naturally closed. The IUI is done when the cervix is naturally opened up a bit to allow swimmers to pass through.

2) My gyno sucks at HSG. I can't verify this one as I've only had one. I do like my gyno, but she's a fairly new doctor and doesn't do many of these. I personally think that she should have pushed me to go to an RE much earlier. Maybe in more experienced hands it wouldn't have hurt so much.

3) The ballon catheter used in HSG is narrower than the one used for an IUI. Again, I don't know this, it's just a theory. But if one's bigger, it'd make sense that shoving something larger through a small hole would hurt more.

4) The HSG test opened up the cervix and "loosened things up". The gyno had suggested that this might happen and said that it could make it easier for us to get PG. Of course, that didn't happen, but it doesn't mean that the cervix doesn't move a bit easier now. No way to prove this theory.

5) All of the above worked together to make IUI a much more pleasant experience than HSG.

Feel free to vote on your favorite theory (or offer any actual knowledge on the subject!)

IUI

2006-08-13T19:17:00.000-05:00

So today I had an IUI.

I was really worried that it would be like the HSG test (a little cerivcal stenosis is a terribly painful thing!). But it wasn't. It was quick and easy once we got in there.

We decided that Rob should "do his duty" up at the office rather than at home since we'd be cutting it close to get in there on time. I'm glad we did because we ended up getting there early - and the office wasn't open yet. So what if we'd done it at home and still gotten there early?? I would have been in tears crying over a cup of dying sperm, that's what! Thank goodness it didn't come to that.

So, Rob's duty done, we had an hour to kill so we got some chai's and went cruising around Tomball. No, there's not much to see in Tomball. Yes, it was a horrible waste of gas. But so what? It calms me to drive I think.

Anyway, Rob provided us with 31,000,000 good swimmers. WOW! Good job, love! If you don't think that's impressive, read this:

From Fertilty Plus
A count above one million washed appears necessary for success, with a significant reduction in pregnancy rates when the inseminated is count is lower than 5-10 million (in other words, in most cases one should consider 5 million a lower limit for success, 10 million for cost-effective). Higher success rates are with washed counts over 20-30 million, while increasing counts over 50 million did not appear to offer advantage.

So! What do you think about that?

Anyway, we go back in Monday morning for a second IUI.

My one doubt/question is that I've read at the Fertility Plus website that most IUIs are done 24-48 hours after the HCG trigger shot. But mine was done less than 12 hours later.... of course the second one will be within that window, but the best shot of sperm went first didn't it? (Assuming that it takes 3 days for the swimmers to really recharge.)

But wait!!! Breaking news! I've just found a study that says IUIs at 12 hours and 34 hours produce the best odds. Woohoo!

Anyway, you can probably see my emotions are all over the place.

Wish me luck if anyone reads this!

Trigger!

2006-08-12T22:15:00.000-05:00

Had my check-in this morning in Tomball.

20, 20, 18.

So it's time to go.

I'm going to trigger at 10:30pm tonight.

Oh my god. I'm so anxious. Rob asks me why... isn't this what we've been doing it for? Well duh, but it's REAL now. Not to mention that I'm putting all my (metaphorical) eggs in one basket (along with 3 real ones). And if this doesn't work, then I know the emotional roller coaster is going to plummet to previously unknown depths.

So we do an IUI Sunday morning and one on Monday morning.

Happy thoughts and baby dust to me.

Almost there

2006-08-11T22:10:00.000-05:00

Had a check-up today.

Follicles are 18, 18, and 16... plus "a lot of smaller ones" that the RE didn't bother to talk about. (She did measure them, and the number appears on the screen, but the screen is so itsy-bitsy that I can't freakin' read it).

So I'm close. Might even tell me to trigger tonight they say...

But no, when the nurse called this afternoon she told me to go in to the office on Saturday at 8am. (Ug. I don't even get to work at 8am. Yeah, I know I'm lazy, but geez that's early. Yes, yes, I can hear you now, babies won't let you sleep until 8am. I know.)

I told my boss.

2006-08-10T23:05:00.000-05:00

I've been worrying about what to do about work. How and when to tell people what is going on. How much to tell.

My co-worker S knows everything. She's in her late 20s. The two guys we work with are in their 50s and 60s - not to mention that they're engineers and very old school. Not exactly the types I want to discuss my reproductive health with, if ya know what I mean.

But I started thinking about it a lot on Thursday... I didn't want my frequent abscences/lateness due to RE visits to be noticed. I didn't want my boss to think I'm interviewing.

So after a whispered conversation with S. She helped me come up with some things to say if he needed any details, all of which I've forgotten by now, which is a shame because they were handy phrases to avoid any sort of medical discussion. But I digress.

I asked our boss, P, if I could speak with him. We don't have offices, so I had to ask him to come into a conference room.

I was so nervous that I was probably already turning red at this point. I told him that I needed to have a series of doctor's visits and that I would be coming in late frequently in the next few weeks. He * very neatly* cut me off at this point - obviously didn't want to hear any more details any more than I wanted to give them. He only said he hoped it's not serious and I said, "no, just something that needs to be done." At this point I could feel a flush coming up my face, so I escaped to the bathroom to cool down.

Whew! It went pretty easy, but planning for it was nerve-racking!

Over half way there

2006-08-10T11:31:00.000-05:00

OK, so I was telling someone about what I've been going through and I mentioned how emotional Clomid had made me. I said that it was such a difference now that I'm off it, and that the crying pretty much stopped immediately.

Well, maybe not all the tears. I have gotten teary the last couple days for no good reason. Not big sobbing crying fits, just a few tears trickling down my cheeks.

And more perhaps more importantly, I've felt a little… different… lately. I feel like my emotions are being depressed. But I don't think that's the right word. I'm not feeling depressed/down/blue/funky… I feel a bit removed from my emotions right now. Almost like when I started taking the Wellbutrin so long ago (ok, just over a year ago, but I've been off since December '05). Like I'm seperated from my emotions and wrapped in a down comforter. It's not a bad feeling, just rather odd.

<sigh>

Anyway, Rob pointed out that last night was repronex injection #6 - so we're over halfway there, and that's a nice feeling. Last night's shot wasn't so bad, I think we found a good spot for it. I only mention it because shots 4 and 5 really stung a lot when the meds were going in. Oh, and I guess I forgot to mention yesterday that the nurse looked at the hot-to-the-touch, blotchy red areas the shots create. And I told her I felt like I'd been beaten. She said "Oh, that's not bad at all". Great. So my butt is supposed to hurt.

My mother-in-law, N, also called for an update last night. (yes, she knows all, as does my mom). I gave her all the gory details and was telling her that Rob is doing a good job giving the shots. Apparently I hadn't mentioned before that it's a 1.5 inch needle, because that provoked an "oh my goodness!" from her… really not a good feeling to get that gasp of shock from someone who's a nurse.

Day 8 checkup

2006-08-09T11:50:00.000-05:00

OK, so I'm back from this morning's RE visit... and we have FOLLICLES!

On the left I have: 11, 11, 12

On the right I have: 11, 13, 14, 15

The RE seemed pleased. It sounds like a lot to me, but I'm not sure what number we're aiming for. And since some are bigger than others, they won't mature at the same time will they?

I won't find out if my Repronex dosage changes until this afternoon when they get the bloodwork done.

Monday update

2006-08-07T10:28:00.000-05:00

My hind end hurts. Have I mentioned that?
No fever this a.m.

Adding up the cost

2006-08-06T21:42:00.000-05:00

Let's see, we previously arrived at a cost of $1915.

HMG $329
HCG $45
Needles $10
RE montitoring $300

So that's another $684, bringing our total to $2599.

We'll add another $600 to that by the end of the week since I have 2 RE visits scheduled.
We'll add another $1100 to that the week after - if all goes well - for another RE visit and the IUIs.

Everyone tells you babies are expensive. But at least most people get pregnant for free.

Got the shot!

2006-08-06T21:32:00.000-05:00

Yeah, R got home sooner than expected. He called when he was close to the house and I started prepping the meds and stuck an ice pack down my shorts (um, don't worry, I'll wash it, really, don't even think about it next time we're on a picnic).

I found out something about the ampoules that hold the water for disolving the meds - the water sneaks up to the top and basically has been hiding from us. The nurse had said we wouldn't need all the water, but we've been using it as fast as we've been using the powder because there wasn't 1cc in there - or so we thought. oops. Hey at least we figured it out on shot 3 and not shot 10!

Beginning Repronex

2006-08-06T20:42:00.000-05:00

I went to the RE on Friday morning. Everyone on my work team was working from home, so my absence won't be noticed. (How to explain the many doctor appointments in the next few weeks has been worrying me)

The nurse took blood (from my hand, I swear this woman is nearly incompetent when it comes to drawing blood - I know I'm not an "easy stick", but I've given blood many many times without the problems this woman has drawing blood from me.) Then the doctor took some snapshots of my ovaries to get a baseline (otherwise known as an internal ultrasound). The nurse drew some circles on my butt to show Rob where the injections should go.

So my first shot was Friday night. And I freely admit that I freaked out. I was almost naseous with fear. We finally get the medicine ready and I'm on the bed ready for the shot and I wigged out one more time. Yes, I started crying. I made Rob go get an ice cube to numb the area and started trying to relax again. But honestly, when he did it, I had to ask him if it was in. Yeah, it was that painless. I could feel a slight burn as the medicine went in, but nothing compared to a flu shot.

Saturday was a different story. My ass hurt. Bad. It feels like someone beat me with an axe handle. We had errands to run and everytime I got in the car I was wincing and gritting my teeth.

Saturday night's shot went well too. But today.... my ass hurts even more. Both sides still hurt. You can't see a bruise, but it feels like I've been beaten. I'm also exhausted. I have no energy. I have general muscle aches and pains all over - like you might get when you're coming down with the flu. I also have a low-grade fever. (100 F). I've also had some chills even though it was 80 degrees in the house. I have a mild headache that's been with me all day. I've been taking Tylenol and haven't done much today, but I still feel like crap.

I'll call the doctor tomorrow. The fatigue and headache are common from what I've read, but the fever is not.

So far we've done both shots around 9pm. Rob's running late, so it'll be more like 9:30 I think. That should be ok though I hope. The nurse suggested we do them between 7-9pm, but I assume that we are still being fairly consistent and that's what is important.

Welcome to Cycle 27.

2006-08-02T14:30:00.000-05:00

Well, so much for the power of proper incentives… Welcome to Cycle 27. Today is Day 1. I think… at least I'm pretty sure... I actually started spotting last Thursday, which would mean that cycle 26 was only 20 days long. But last night my body kicked it into gear and there's not much doubt that the "flow" only began yesterday. So yeah, I'm sure, today is definitely Day 1.

I haven't posted in 2 weeks. I did manage a number of calm days in there. Some small waves of depression lapping at my mind at times, but mostly okay.

The medicine arrived, safe and sound and in a timely manner. Searching out the proper needles was a bit more tricky, apparently they aren't that common and I ended up going to a small pharmacy to find what I needed after striking out at multiple CVSs and Walgreens.

But the calm days are over. I cried for a minute when I realized I had started. Only a little bit from the lack of pregnancy this month (the usual reason I cry), but mostly because I'm scared of all these injections and doctor's visits. Terrified. Panicked.

Anyway, it's back to the doctor's on Friday morning for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. First injection is Friday night.

Rob and I had a little talk last night. I guess somewhere along the way, I had started thinking of this as a one time deal. But of course it often isn't a one time deal. People do round after round of injections and IUIs or IVF. We agreed that if this cycle isn't too horrible (i.e., the scary shots aren't too too painful), then we'll do it 3 or 4 times. I've said that I don't want to do IVF… but I think I'm starting to waver on that. We've come so far and we've jumped through so many hoops, I guess it's hard to remember why we'd stop now. The decision to not go that far is starting to seem arbitrary, a line in the sand that is becoming blurry.

We'll see.

Cycle 26 Day 11

2006-07-17T17:14:00.000-05:00

Well we had a nice weekend in Galveston. Since we're officially taking this month "off" from TTC, it's time for some serious R&R. We went and had massages done on Thursday night. That was a good start at relaxing. I found a massage school not far from our house that does them for $30 an hour - about half the going rate. We drove down to Galveston on Friday and stayed at the Inn at 1816 Postoffice. It was very nice. We had planned to stay somewhere cheaper, but all the hotels there seemed to be priced within $50 of each other - so why stay in an overpriced Motel 6 room when you can have a fancy B&B for only a little more?

Anyway, back to the world of infertility... we went to a "teaching visit" at the RE's office today. We had to watch a video on how to give shots of Repronex (kinda icky side note: Repronex is extracted from the urine of postmenopausal women. Ew). I have to have these shots intermuscularly - a shot in the butt - for something like 12 days. And it's a BIG needle. Very scary. The nurse said I was getting needles that are very skinny, but I'm looking at it thinking 'oh hell, that's a long ass needle' (pun intended).

So I have to purchase 20 vials of repronex at an astonishing price of $48/vial. That's the price in the US. But I did a little research and the same damn thing can be purchased in Europe for $12/vial. For a savings (after shipping costs) of roughly $700. What's the catch? Are these scary drugs? No. Are they cheap knock-offs? No. These are name-brand top quality drugs made by the same company under the same name.** The catch is that importing prescription drugs is not precisely legal. Remember the whole thing about seniors buying meds in Canada? Yup, if I buy this from Europe I'll be in the same boat with the outlaw grannies.

I think we're pretty set on doing IUI next month. It's not too much more $$ and it increases the chances of success. We can just do it once or we can do the procedure twice, two days in a row. I don't know how much that increases your chances. When you get two IUIs in one cycle, you get a discount on the second one... the "buy one, get the second hlf price" for a medical procedure is surreal and made me laugh.

So even though we're taking this month "off", it's not like we're not trying at all. I'm just trying not to think about it. I'm not on any sort of hormone altering medicine for the first time in seven months. I'm not peeing on OPKs - I don't even have any. But since this is the last chance for us to have a kid without repeatedly puncturing my butt with needles - we're still "trying". Perhaps fear of needles will provide my body with the proper incentives! But in the meantime, we're just having fun this month and trying not to think about it.

** correction! At $12/vial it is indeed a generic version. The name brand can be had for $24/vial, still a bargain at half the American rate.

RE visit - Day 6

2006-07-14T16:41:00.000-05:00

So I met with the RE on Wednesday.

Good news is that the visit was free!! So we haven't added to our total expenses quite yet.

The bad news is that it's too late in this cycle to do anything.

The other bad news is that injectibles are the next step. And they are incredibly expensive.

So, with injectibles, you get mature follicles. Sometimes many follicles. You get to go to the RE every-other-day while taking them for ultrasounds and bloodwork. Once you have these mature follicles, you take a shot of HCG to make them drop.

Then you have 3 choices: natural, IUI, or IVF.

We think we're going for IUI.

Oh my God I'm scared.

Cycle 26 Day 4

2006-07-10T12:37:00.000-05:00

So here I am at the start of a new cycle. I felt like crap on Friday - a huge headache, borderline migraine that wouldn't quit, so I left work and went home early. One four-hour nap later and I felt much better. Still kinda sickly on Saturday, but I was functional enough to go to IKEA in the morning and make fig jam that afternoon (Ok, so there were several hours inbetween spent curled up in bed with a book and feeling like ass, but that's not so bad is it?)

Not feeling too down this month. Not sure why. Despite not feeling too bad during the 2ww, I thought I'd feel bad when I saw the physical evidence. Not so. I've maybe been a little more emotionally needy and have required more cuddling, but Rob's always up for that. :) Perhaps taking the extra steps and going to the RE are helpful emotionally as well - taking control and making progress and all that.

I have an appointment with the RE on Wednesday at 10. That seemed fine when I made the appointment, but now I'm realizing that Wednesday will be Day 6 and that's too late for Clomid and I don't know about other meds. The nurse said the doctor will want to discuss injectibles. I don't know how I feel about that. You go up to 20% chance of having twins. Also, according to one article I read online, "The cost for the injectible drugs is high -- for one cycle, depending on the drug used, retail pricing and amount prescribed, an injectible cycle can cost between $2,000 and $5,000." Since the article listed the cost of Clomid as $30-75, prices which I know are correct from experience, the 2-5k numbers are scary.

Total TTC (TTC=trying to conceive) costs so far:

$850 ultrasound for cysts*
$270 seven months of Clomid
$125 semen analysis
$40 OPK and PG test strips
$275 HSG test**
$150 RE consult
$55 progesterone
$30 bloodtest at RE
$120 extra co-pays for additional trips to gyno ***

Which brings the total to $1,915.

Well, that's a depressing figure already. I tried to estimate low when I didn't know the actual amount. I know I'm missing a few bills from that list. Also, that doesn't include money for two years of pre-natal vitamins, a couple months of going to a therapist, or other prescriptions. It also doesn't include money I didn't earn by taking time off to go to the doctor.

This list goes back to October 2004, so these costs have been somewhat spread out and aren't a huge financial burden to us, but seeing the total does leave me feeling... what? bummed? depressed? Not quite that... the term "financial hazing" seems to fit. In college there were all these extra costs that you never expected and always seemed to fall mostly on freshmen and we called it financial hazing. That's what this feels like. Here I am, already having problems and dealing with reprodcutive issues, and just to pour salt in the wound, there's all these extra expenses. It just adds to the unjustice of it all.

* estimate as it's so long ago I don't remember, I think this was only the hospital cost, not the radiologist or doctor.
** the hospital mixed up the billing, so I haven't received all the bills yet. $275 is what we've paid, I think it will be about $300 more still to come.
*** another estimate, it's hard to remember how many extra trips there have been.

Day 35 - the official negative result is in

2006-07-06T13:25:00.000-05:00

Well golly gee, what do you know? I'm not pg. Stopping progesterone now, so I should start tomorrow.

I was supposed to have lunch today with a friend of a friend who just adopted a baby. She had to cancel, but it's got me thinking about it again. I know that it took her a long time to get a baby (2 years I think), and part of me wonders if I shouldn't start moving forward with adoption. We had started looking into it, but then we started getting hopeful about having one ourselves when we decided to go to the specialist.

I don't want to sound like adoption is a second choice… but I guess it really is for me. I think it's a great thing to do. I know I would love a baby no matter where it came from. But I guess that getting pregnant isn't just about getting a baby, it's about being a woman, about my body doing what it's supposed to be built to do. God, how unenlightened and anti-feminist does that sound? I swear I'm not a member of the "religious right"! I just don't know how to express it. But despite how much I want to carry a baby, having the baby is more important, so adoption is definitely an option. Also, I feel that if I have to have IVF to get pregnant, then that's too much. It's too expensive for something that's not a certainty. I'm willing to jump through a lot of hoops, but that's not one of them. Adoption is preferable to me over IVF.

Blood work

2006-07-05T14:31:00.000-05:00

I went in to have a blood test today, no results until tomorrow though. I have to schedule another appointment tomorrow when they call to tell me it's negative. Yes, I'm sure it's negative. I'd be ecstatic if I were wrong, but I don't think I am. I had to negative tests with urine. They say that urine isn't a good enough test this early on… but I don't think I believe that. I mean I hear about people testing before their period is late, so they're on day 25 and getting a positive result. You don't think that it'd show up for me at day 34? Yeah right.

How much should a blood test cost anyway? The nurse/receptionist is hoping my insurance will cover it, so she only charged me the co-pay. Can it really be much more than $30?? That seems outrageous.

Cycle 25 Day 32

2006-07-03T13:46:00.000-05:00

If I'm honest, I have to admit that I'm not exactly sure that this is cycle 25. I've lost count. But it is 25 months since we started trying, and my periods being what they are, 25 is probably accurate.

I've made it to day 32 because of the progesterone. It could be keeping a very early pregnancy alive, but it's probably just holding up my period. I did take a pg test this morning (as well as one on Friday), and both were negative.

I don't really know what comes next. I called the RE's office today and have to go in for a blood test on Wednesday because they say that urine tests aren't accurate enough this early. OK fine, I'll go and let them take my blood (at 8am, I am so not a morning person).

I'm not feeling too down this month, I don't think I was very hopeful (can't know for sure until I start to bleed, my emotions often suprise me). I think that just taking progesterone sounded a little too easy, like a magic pill that would solve all ills. There is no magic for me.

emotional cycles

2006-06-29T09:43:00.000-05:00

Have you seen the "depression hurts" commercials? They talk about how depression is physically debilitating. I don't have depression at that level, but I believe the commercial. I can feel depression wash over me at the strangest times. Driving home alone, not listening to the radio or other distractions, it's like a wave washes over me. The sensation almost tingles like déjà vu, but it's more subtle. At that moment I know I'm about to cry.

I'm not this emotionally unstable all the time. But a small wave can strike at any time. Depending on where I am hormonally, I might be able to control it or I might not. The difference of a few days can mean the difference between a slight tearing-up or a full-out cry-my-eyes-out bawl.

At the start of a cycle, I'm depressed. And why not? I have failed - my body has failed me - again. Yes, logically I know that I have done everything in my power to get pregnant, but that doesn't matter when you're dealing with the tangible evidence of failure.

On Day 5 I start taking Clomid. It's a wonder drug that makes me ovulate, true, but it does a number on my hormones and makes me extremely sensitive. By sensitive I mean ready to cry at the least provocation. I'm still slightly depressed (but coming out of it), and I continue to cry most days.

Mid-cycle is a moderately happy time. There's tons of hope that this month everything will work. It's not a totally happy time because I'm busy peeing on OPK sticks and trying to decide when we should have sex. And sex on demand is not fun. Not after two years.

Which brings us to the two week wait (2ww). Nothing to do at this point, it either took or it didn't. (Ok, that's not entirely true now because I have progesterone to take, but it's not much to do either). I try so hard not to get my hopes up, because I know how much that hurts when they crash back down. I try to hold on to the neutral thinking. I am less likely to cry during these two weeks than at any other point in my cycle. I feel extremely emotionally stable. (Which is why that Dr. Who crying explosion was so suprising). We talk about baby names. I day dream about babies. I have trouble concentrating on other tasks. The closer we get to the end of the cycle, the more antsy I get. The more nervous. Deep calming breaths. This is when I start wondering about every pain, every twinge. Is it something good? Something bad? Or nothing at all?

I am always thankful when the end of a cycle comes on a weekend. It gives me time to get myself together and get back to neutral thinking.

Progesterone

2006-06-28T12:52:00.000-05:00

So one week of progesterone later…

It's not too bad. Maybe an annoyance, but they aren't slimy or anything. They're made of cocoa butter, so it's solid when you use it, but melts inside (hey, melts in your ___, not in your hand!)

Doesn't seem to cause mood swings either. I've been feeling pretty solid emotionally ever since I made the appointment with the RE. Although I did have one crying outburst, it was over a TV show - so I'll just chalk that up to a Hallmark Moment that was perhaps intensified by hormones.

What made me cry? Something horribly touching? A classic movie? No… an episode of Dr Who. I don't even like Dr. Who. Rob was watching it, I was ignoring it and surfing the web. But when the guy died, I burst *loudly* into tears. Geez. Even as I burst, I was laughing at myself and recognizing the ridiculousness of it.

I keep feeling something in me. A slight pain - not quite a pain, not quite a cramp. But it could be a cramp, it could be a reaction to the progesterone, hell it could be gas and cosntipation. But can it be a good sign??? Implantation?? Part of me wants to believe, to let my hopes soar. But I have experienced the pain of crushed hope too many times in the past two years. I can not let myself dream like that. It's so hard to keep my feet on the ground.

But surviving this is all about the power of neutral thinking.

Meeting the Reproductive Endocrinologist

2006-06-20T12:45:00.000-05:00

A reproductive endocrinologist (RE) is the real name of what most people call an "infertility specialist". Rob and I went and met with one yesterday.

Dr. Traci Desplinter was very nice. We waited ages to see her, but to be fair the city was flooding that day so she had a good excuse for getting to work late. After listening to what all we'd done and looking at the records from my gyno, she said that she'd like to do some bloodwork and an internal ultrasound to see if I ovulated. Turns out I did (as I knew from my OPK tests). Since I was mid-cycle when I saw her, I'm not sure there was too much she could do. But she did put me on progesterone suppositories. Ooh yeah, lots of fun.

So the next step is to wait until the end of this cycle and see what happens.

P.S. She thinks the cervical stenosis thing is a red herring. If blood can get out, swimmers can get in.

HSG test and cervical stenosis

2006-06-19T11:55:00.000-05:00

So finally I have to go back in to the gyno so they can do checkup before they renew my clomid prescription. While in the office, I burst into tears. (Have I mentioned that all this stuff is a wee bit stressful?)

So the doctor starts talking about next steps. There's only a few things she can do before she sends me off to a specialist.

Two weeks later I find myself in the hospital for an HSG test. This test is to see if the fallopian tubes are blocked. A catheter is inserted through the cervix into the uterus. They shoot dye up there while taking an xray. We all watch the little tv screen and see if the dye goes through the tubes. Easy enough, right? wrong.

First of all, inserting a catheter is never fun. Second, if a tube is blocked, that dye has no where to go and will hurt like hell.

For me, it turns out that I have a "stenotic cervix". Which means it's too small, too tight and too stiff. So they use a little metal dialtor to open it up. Think about that. Here's a muscle that doesn't want to move, so it gets moved by force. Think of the worst charly-horse you've ever had in your leg - the kind that wakes you up at night screaming and crying. Now think about that pain in your twat. Yeah. It was that fun.

So the doctor thinks that opening the cervix might help. And tells me we'll see what happens this cycle (HSG is done pre-ovulation), and then we'll decide what to do next if this cycle doesn't take.

It didn't take.

When I called the doctor back, she said to just wait and see... keep trying for 3 more months.

Oh hell no. 3 more months? Because the first 24 months were so gosh darn fun? Because I probably need to be medicated to get my emotions under control? I don't freaking think so. I've spent months crying my eyes out on a daily basis - sometimes several times per day. I don't think I could survive 3 more months of inaction.

So I called a specialist and ditched the gyno.

My best friend had twins

2006-06-16T12:12:00.000-05:00

June 12 - my 32nd birthday

June 13 - my best friend had twin girls

------------------------

Now obviously I've known the twins were coming for a long time. And while I've been happy for my friend, it's also hurt a lot.

There's not a lot of logic behind emotional pain. I don't hold it against my friend. I'm genuinely happy for her. The babies are sweet and wonderful and frankly a lot better looking than a lot of newborns.

But over the months, it's hard not to think "it's not fair". It's not fair that she's already had her babies and she's two years younger than me. It's not fair that she got pregnant the first month they tried. It's not fair that... well, you get the picture. And in my hormonal stressed out state, these things have made me cry a lot over the last 8 months.

So while I've been happy for her, I've also been dreading the babies' birth. Because I worried that it would make me cry more.

But I'm happy to say that I actually feel a bit better now that the babies are here. Darn cute babies... it's just impossible to hold a grudge against them.

more history

2006-05-28T21:23:00.000-05:00

Since we assumed it'd be easy to get pg, we just had sex whenever and didn't worry about timing...
a couple months go by...
And then I start paying attention to the calendar and make sure we have sex mid-cycle...
a couple months go by...
And the frustration starts building until one memorable night where we were both exhausted and he didn't want to have sex and I started crying. Ah yes, the first of the tears, but not the last.

So finally it's time for my yearly trip to the gyno. Based on family history and some other stuff, I get checked out for PCOS (blood tests) and cysts (internal and external ultrasounds). Thanks to the fact that ultrasounds occur in the hospital and my insurance didn't cover much, we made our first monetary contribution to the fertility gods.

But the tests come back and they look good. Keep trying is what I'm told. Here's where I went wrong - I knew that it wasn't working and I should have kicked up a fuss right then to move on to more tests. But the doctor said everything looks fine, go have more sex. So we did.

a couple months go by...
a couple months go by...

I finally go back in, but at this point it's been one and half years since we started trying. I get a different doctor and she checks for ovulation. Guess what? All this time DH has been fertilizing nothing! Well gee, wonder why that didn't work? Ok, to be fair, I did ovulate sometimes, just not regularly. And when they had looked for cysts, there was an egg follicle there ready and waiting, so I see why she assumed I ovulated.

So I get put on clomid. A low dose does the trick, so it's time for 6 more months of sex...

a couple months go by...

nothing's happening....

more later.

Playing Catch-up

2006-05-25T14:27:00.000-05:00

I should have started this long ago. I should have learned that bottling up my feelings isn't a good idea.

We've been trying to have a baby for 2 years. Two long years.

At first it was as simple as going off birth control (ah, to go back to that happy relatively stress-free time)

2006-05-15T12:38:00.000-05:00

Hi. This is me.